Welcome to the theater, now shut up!

Don’t take this the wrong way, theater-goers, but you need to shut the hell up.

After just a few visits to the marvelous Smith Center for the Performing Arts, I suspect we missed something when planning this cultural icon: People may not know how to behave at the theater.

Now, I’m the farthest thing from a culture maven there is. Yes, I may be an elitist when it comes to Scotch, cigars and wine, but when it comes to music, I’ve got less refined tastes. (My recent confession about being a fan of Huey Lewis and the News led one colleague to label me a “cracker.”)

But even I know it’s not appropriate to yell or whistle at Diana Krall like you’re on the third-base line at an Angels game.

Yet that’s precisely what happened Monday night, as a mostly well-behaved crowd had to endure repeated churlish behavior that ruins things for everyone.

For example, I didn’t know that Krall was going to be accompanied by Capt. Icecruncher, sitting a couple seats down from me. I especially appreciated his intense efforts during the slow, quiet parts of Krall’s crooning. He really stood out.

And this wasn’t the only time, either. During trumpeter Chris Botti’s July 6 concert, I was seated directly next to Candybag Rustler, who also unfailingly chose the quiet moments to dig into her feed-bag. Of course, she secured said bag in the bottom of her purse, which made it all the more difficult – and all the more loud – to get those delicious morsels into her pie-hole.

Thankfully, the ushers were on hand, but not to tell Candybag Rustler to knock it off. Instead, they took my mind off her rudeness by discussing — at length, in loud stage whispers — how to handle some developing situation. Maybe it was the mid-set exit of Horse Clopper Lady.

Now, I realize that the Smith Center is new, and that Las Vegas hasn’t had a performing arts center of its caliber before. It’s entirely possible that some people don’t know how to behave during a musical performance. Here are a few rules of thumb. (They are equally applicable to going to the movies, by the way.)

Shut up: Seriously, this is basic. While somebody who has spent their life practicing the performance of music is on the stage, please be quiet. Don’t talk. Don’t yell, whistle or shout your approval. Don’t rustle your feed bag. Don’t cough, if you can at all help it. Just listen and appreciate. And then, at the end of the song (not near the end, but after the song is over) signal your approval with applause.

Eat before you go: There are many fine restaurants in the downtown area at which you can eat before seeing a concert. Avail yourself of one of them, or eat at home. Then, come to the theater and practice a little abstinence. Yes, they do sell concessions at the theater and yes, they come in noisy little packages and yes, that’s inviting trouble. But just because they’re for sale doesn’t mean you have to buy. A beverage (to sip silently) is fine. Anything else, wait for the end.

Shut up: Really, I can’t stress this one enough.

Remain seated and keep your hands and arms inside the train: If you must leave to use the rest room or take a phone call, please wait until a song or composition is complete, and the audience applause can cover your exit. The acoustics of the Smith Center are excellent, as Horse Clopper Lady so amply demonstrated last month.

Shut up: If you remember nothing else, remember this. Seriously.

Steve Sebelius is a Review-Journal political columnist and author of the blog SlashPolitics.com. Follow him on Twitter (@SteveSebelius) or reach him at 387-5276 or SSebelius@reviewjournal.com.