This tag certainly fits: O.J. is dimwit

The sad part of this story is that it is one. That we again feel this indisputable desire to follow the unlawful exploits of a wretched human being whose massive ego is overshadowed only by his unashamed idiocy. That the vicious monster that is our curiosity with O.J. Simpson could again swallow us the way it did 12 years ago.

That we care so darn much to watch every pathetic second. That we are genuinely concerned about how many U.S. soldiers were killed in the war today and how low the dollar has sunk, but only after we learn if O.J. had spaghetti or enchiladas for jailhouse dinner.

It’s just a good thing the guy is so stupid. Makes our obsession a tad worth it.

The only satisfactory thing about this latest Simpson tale is that he allegedly (why does my stomach burn when I type that word in relation to his name?) committed the crimes in Nevada and not California, meaning there is a better-than-even chance of securing a jury not completely crammed with buffoons.

You would think Simpson might realize that, given his history with securing incorrect verdicts in Los Angeles.

Which brings us to this: When Simpson asked if we really thought someone of his celebrity could be so dumb as to lead an armed heist of sports memorabilia at Palace Station, did he really expect an answer? It’s like Bill Belichick asking us to believe that season opener against the Jets was the only time he has cheated to gain an advantage.

Now, there is no question Simpson’s pitifully false sense of self-worth also probably convinced him this was a risk worth pursuing. The man is as schizophrenic as they come, confident beyond reason in some ways and incredibly dim in others.

It makes you wonder how some of history’s more notorious thefts might have originally failed had Simpson been involved.

Let’s ponder a few …

CENTRAL BANK OF IRAQ: The tough part here would have been convincing Saddam Hussein on the eve of American forces bombing Baghdad in 2003 to actually involve Simpson, who the former and now dead Iraqi dictator would have undeniably considered a lightweight in the murder game with only two innocent corpses to his credit.

Once persuaded, Saddam would have followed through by sending that handwritten note to the bank, demanding $920 million be given to his son Qusay and an accomplice. But the theft would have never taken place after the second thief, while driving the lead truck, lost track of time searching for a McDonald’s. Qusay would have telephoned his father at the palace with the news, screaming all sorts of profanities in Arabic.

Saddam would have then looked up at Simpson — no doubt swinging from one of those crystal chandeliers singing “Fight On!”– and posed a fairly significant question: “Who is Kato?”

BOSTON MUSEUM: Simpson’s ego would have never allowed this job to come off successfully in 1990.

Sure, he would have understood the importance of disguising himself along with a co-conspirator as policemen in order to gain entrance to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum.

But, once reaching the Dutch Room and noticing “Storm on the Sea of Galilee,” Simpson would have remarked how the Rembrandt reminded him of a yacht he once vacationed aboard when playing with the Buffalo Bills. He would have then removed a digital camera from his jacket and insisted his accomplice take a photo of Simpson standing next to the painting.

Later, those poor security guards handcuffed and bound in a basement would have heard three loud thumps against a wall from the back alley, where authorities would have ultimately discovered someone had dropped a digital camera.

LUFTHANSA HEIST: His pro football career all but over, Simpson in 1978 would have become acquainted with some fairly shady folks while filming those Hertz commercials and learned about all those untraceable millions of dollars stored in vaults at Kennedy Airport.

Everything would have gone as planned — the cargo terminal would have been overtaken by mask-wearing gunmen, security guards would have been assaulted, the silent alarms would have been deactivated, families would have been threatened, the double-vaulted door would have been opened, the $5 million in cash and $875,000 in jewels would have been stolen.

Then it would have been time to climb into the getaway car.

It would have stalled.

“I thought I told you to bring the black Ford Econoline van,” the gang’s leader would have said to Simpson. “Who said anything about a white Bronco?”

Ed Graney’s column is published Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. He can be reached at 383-4618 or egraney@reviewjournal.com.