Football entrepreneurs must play by our rules

So now that another billionaire has suggested forming the latest PFLDTF (Professional Football League Destined To Fail), it’s important we demand certain things of any Las Vegas participant.

Bill Hambrecht might have taken on Wall Street investment bankers for clients, but he should know we’re not about to blindly accept yet another team that isn’t of major league status.

(OK, so we will happily accept it and even praise Big Bill for that ingenious idea of playing games on Friday nights). But the last thing we need is another wealthy figurehead teasing us with empty promises. We have Oscar Goodman for that.

You want us, Big Bill?

Here are 10 stipulations to be met before one season ticket is purchased for the Las Vegas Flowers. (What do you want from me? I coach girls softball.)

1. Jimbo Ferraro and Mark Cuban must be co-owners.

Talk about the best of both worlds. We never would see one (Ferraro) and never hear the other (Cuban) speak. Cuban talks in blog and mostly replies to questions by e-mail. He did so this week when Review-Journal reporter Mark Anderson (who can speak) inquired about Cuban’s potential ownership of the Las Vegas team and his thoughts about other United Football League matters.

Cuban’s e-mail response: Can’t get into details. There is still a lot of work to do. But I will say that gambling will not be a problem.

Translation: We’re further away from making this happen than Rush Limbaugh is from endorsing Hillary Clinton, but we’re also not like those hypocritical NFL boobs when it comes to having a team in a gaming city.

2. Goodman must be team president.

For no reason other than the mayor constantly dropping the line, “Roger Goodell and I are close friends.”

3. The Mountain West Conference must handle all television negotiations for the Las Vegas team.

Nothing could determine whether the mighty UFL soared or sunk like the power of its television contract. As we saw in those memorable negotiations between CSTV and local Cox officials, the Mountain West no doubt could promise to have a deal struck for the local franchise by the time preseason games begin in August 2008 and miss the target by only two years.

By then the UFL would be buried alongside the XFL, USFL and World Football League, but at least we would know our favorite little Division I-A conference is making progress.

4. Sam Boyd Stadium attendants must be the same as those who work UNLV games.

Think about it. Those parking cars and selling hot dogs could put in long, difficult, hectic shifts while aiding thousands and thousands of UFL fans on Friday night and then pretty much sit around and get paid to sleep when a few hundred show up to watch the Rebels on Saturday. Pretty cool gig.

5. Russ Langer must be the team’s radio play-by-play voice.

The 51s announcer is a walking, talking, breathing encyclopedia of baseball knowledge. Sure, it’s a different sport, but that hasn’t stopped the mtn. from having — someone, explain this insanity — Todd Christensen analyze basketball and baseball. Difference is, Langer has talent. He certainly can spin stories about Mel Ott into ones about Babe Parilli, at least for the half of a season the UFL exists.

6. Danton Barto must be the team’s color analyst.

Call us sentimental, but we enjoy when records are set, and it’s our sense the soon-to-be-ex-Gladiators coach would need just his opening comments to break at least 10 Federal Communications Commission rules.

7. Team colors must be purple and gold.

You know we’re always looking out for UNLV athletic director Mike Hamrick, so by making the UFL team appear as close to that prodigious collegiate power that is East Carolina, he might be allowed a few minutes not to ponder the next losing Rebels football season.

8. The first UFL player in Las Vegas must come from the local program with the most talent.

A UNLV player has a great chance of securing the spot, just as soon as the entire Las Vegas High team declines it.

9. Whoever is now choosing the UNLV dance team cannot select UFL cheerleaders.

Talk about a recent drop in talent. Those who moved and grooved at Rebels basketball games five years ago to now is like comparing the voices of Andrea Bocelli and Sanjaya.

10. All games must kick off no later than 5 p.m.

Hey, we’re in the business of deadlines.

It’s the least PFLDTF officials can do before the league dies.

Assuming it’s born.

Ed Graney’s column is published Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. He can be reached at 383-4618 or egraney@reviewjournal.com.