CLOSING IT OUT

Ten thoughts from closing ceremonies at the Bird’s Nest.

1. There are Chinese children playing the drums. I assume they all passed the "Cute enough to be seen by millions of people on television" test given by local officials, which a 7-year old singer failed for opening ceremonies and was replaced by a beautiful little girl who apparently couldn’t sing her name but was really good at moving her lips.

2. Are they really playing those drums, or are less attractive children banging away somewhere under the stadium?

3. How can the Olympic flag be waving through the air as if moved by hurricane winds and press row again feel like I have been sitting in a sauna for five hours? Hmmm. I wonder.

4. London mayor Boris Johnson just emerged. He looks like "Mr. Incredible" from the movie, but the one where he is retired and has let the waistline go.

5. Quick, the first word that comes to mind when seeing Big Boris: Guinness.

6. You have to think David Beckham’s teammates with the Los Angeles Galaxy were thrilled to hear he would be leaving the struggling team and its new head coach so he could come to Beijing, stand atop a bus and kick a ball into the crowd.

7. That poor Jimmy Page kid is going to drown in his own sweat if Leona Lewis doesn’t catch up on her lip-synching number, and I mean pronto. Pagey is absolutely drenched.

8. Not nearly as many athletes attend the closing, but by the looks of those dancing and singing and carrying on at least the blood alcohol level has increased 10 to 20 points from opening ceremonies. What we lost in numbers we gained in drunks.

9. A runner from Kenya won the marathon. There are a lot of people in China. Water has no calories.

10. It is 12:29 a.m. on Monday the 25th. Down on the infield, thousands of Beijing Games volunteers are partying like there is no tomorrow. Holding hands, singing, running this way and that, laughing. Why do I get the feeling they are all thinking the same thing: Thank God those buffoon Westerners are gone and we can stop with all the fake smiling and pretending to think it’s charming that they only bothered to learn how to say “Hello” and “Thank you,” in Chinese.