Sidling up to the trough

No one is sure who first figured it out. But America’s big defense contractors turned it into an art form.

The problem: If Boeing manufactures the Apache attack helicopter, then the congressional delegations of states with big Boeing facilities will be gung ho for the Pentagon to buy more of the wonderful warbirds, price no object.

But congressmen whose districts had nothing to gain from such an allocation developed an exasperating habit of asking about the helicopter’s vulnerabilities, whether the Apache “platform” and weapons systems were really the best and most cost-efficient way to get the job done, et blooming cetera.

Solution: Sharply increase the number of “friendly” congressmen by farming out subcontracts as widely as possible. Heck, it got to the point where the seat covers for the Apaches were actually woven in far-away Arizona … by actual Apaches! How many more votes is that?

Before you know it, Nicolas Cage is going to be making movies about that helicopter.

Well, what’s good for Boeing is surely good for America’s farmers.

The problem: Because they grew out of attempts to keep prices from falling back to natural levels after American grain farmers found themselves living the life of Riley from 1914 to 1919 — the world willing to pay unheard-of prices for American grain after war shut down the fields of Europe — American crop subsidies, price supports and other tractor-related wealth transfers have mostly benefitted states that grow wheat, corn, cotton, sugar and rice.

But every time a pork-laden farm bill came up for a vote, representatives whose districts failed to benefit developed this nasty habit of asking whether farmers hadn’t had enough time to adjust to the price shift of 1919.

The solution? Spread the wealth.

“Long dismissed as mere ‘specialty crops’ and all but ignored by the powerful lawmakers who fashion the federal government’s massive farm bill … fresh produce is now promoting itself in a major way and is positioned to be a big winner in this year’s legislative sweepstakes,” The Associated Press reported Wednesday. “In the past two years … groups such as the United Fresh Produce Association, the Western Growers Association, the Florida Fruit & Vegetable Association and the National Potato Council started to band together. Their goal: to make sure peaches, strawberries, limes and the like get a larger slice of the federal pie.”

The Specialty Crop Farm Bill Alliance, a sprawling 90-member coalition, is starting small, mind you, seeking “not direct payments to its growers, but rather indirect goodies such as block grants to states … expanded funding for scientific research and enhanced promotion of U.S.-grown produce abroad” — a mere couple of billion bucks, for now.

That’s with a “b.”

Even that pittance is enough to worry Dana Brooks, lobbyist for the American Farm Bureau Federation. “We have less money to go around and more folks who want it,” Ms. Brooks said. “That is going to make things difficult.”

Yeah. Farmers have “less money to go around.” The Agriculture Department can barely keep the grass mowed — an outfit that paid farmers $164.7 billion in subsidies between 1995 and 2005.

But in fact, the arrival of the apple and potato men (who managed to do just fine without federal help for centuries), wearing big bibs and ready to feast, could actually breathe new life into the angiogenic tumor known as American farm policy.

Why?

Geography.

“Farm bills are often battles between Midwestern lawmakers whose grain-growing constituents benefit the most from the legislation, and lawmakers from other parts of the county whose constituents tend not to see the value of farm subsidies,” The AP reminds us.

But look where the “specialty crops” come from. Many “are concentrated in these skeptical states — the apple-growing state of Washington and the grape-producing state of California, for example. If these products are favored in the farm bill for a change, their elected representatives would be more likely to vote for the bill’s passage.”

“We add some value to getting a farm bill passed,” explains Robert Guenther, top lobbyist for the United Fresh Produce Association.

Oh, thank goodness.