There are no aliens

The “U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race,” the Obama administration said in a Nov. 4 statement.

Honest.

“In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye. The fact is we have no credible evidence of extraterrestrial presence here on Earth,” according to the statement posted to the White House website and attributed to Phil Larson, research assistant at the Office of Science and Technology Policy.

The statement “is the first time since this issue exploded in the public’s mindset in 1947 that the executive branch has issued a formal position in writing on this issue,” says Stephen Bassett, a physicist, researcher and Washington lobbyist who contends the government has long covered up the existence of Unidentified Flying Objects.

Does this mean it’s finally time to pack their tents and head home for those who believe there’s an ongoing struggle for control of the earth between the gray aliens and the larger, red variety who shelter inside the hollow earth?

Does this mean the end of the line for the Little A’Le’Inn in peaceful Rachel, which has built a tourist trade from fans driving Route 375 — The Extraterrestrial Highway — looking for UFO activity in the town 25 miles northeast of the non-existent Area 51 military base?

“Of course not,” says Bassett, who predicts the White House disclosure will give him and others fresh opportunities to challenge government officials and pry out the truth.

Nor are they buying it in little Rachel.

“The president is living proof that there’s life outside Earth,” says Sharon Taylor, a waitress at the Little A’Le’Inn, finally settling that pesky “birth certificate” mystery.

Turns out there’s a reason for the Nov. 4 statement. President Barack Obama had promised that petitions gaining at least 5,000 signatures within 30 days would get a response. One, organized by Bassett and demanding the government “formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race,” had accumulated 12,078 signatures as of Nov. 7

Predictably, the threshold for an official petition response has since been bumped up to 25,000 signers.

We always preferred the answer of the late Isaac Asimov. Asked if he believed in UFOs, he would respond, “Of course. I also believe in UCOs. Until I get close enough to figure out what kind of bug it is, it’s an Unidentified Crawling Object.”

We could reveal the location of the captured Gray Alien scientists — who aren’t dead at all, of course. But pretty soon there’d be FOIA requests for the fusion oscillation overthrusters they’ve designed, allowing motor vehicles to run indefinitely on water and banana peels. Then someone would probably think to ask if we know where Elvis and Jesse Garon are, and where would our whole carbon-based economy be, then?

Hey, Mr. Spaceman,

Won’t you please take me along,

I won’t do anything wrong.

Hey, Mr. Spaceman,

Won’t you please take me along for a ride?