Why not get creative if we change airport’s name

Patrick McCarran was known for his contributions to civil aviation decades ago and that, in addition to being the first native Nevadan elected to the U.S. Senate, is why our airport is named after him.

Lately, some community leaders have discussed changing the name of the airport, arguing McCarran fails to reflect Las Vegas, and others have expressed embarrassment because of his more negative side, stories of his McCarthyism and anti-Semitism.

The controversial nature of erasing a politician’s name from any structure and the cost of changing signs and everything else advertising our airport probably will become the heart of the opposition’s case.

The name Las Vegas International Airport seems so boring for the Entertainment Capital of the World. Besides, the airport isn’t in the city. It’s in Clark County, but so is the Las Vegas Strip , so obviously county commissioners wouldn’t really be bothered by it.

The bottom line is naming the airport after the city or county would be a yawner.

If this discussion does indeed continue at the August meeting of the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, I drummed up a few alternatives that encapsulate Las Vegas.

■ Howard Hughes International: Ever seen thousands of hand-sanitizer dispensers line a quarter-mile wall?

■ Willis Carrier International: Never heard of him? He invented air-conditioning. Without him we wouldn’t be here, and neither would you.

■ G-Sting International: Your luggage will be delivered from the conveyer belt to your car if you’re sly with the bagman, slipping him a generous amount of money in a velvet Crown Royal satchel. Terminals are named after each Clark County commissioner snagged in the federal political corruption investigation. Travelers who pass through the airport receive a free lunch at Jerry’s Nugget and a comped round of golf at Southern Highlands, a stripper serving as the caddy.

■ Slots O’ Fun International: Take a gamble and pack your bags without knowing your destination! Pull the arm of a slot machine at the ticket counter, and whichever airport code pops up, that’s where you are headed. Is the suitcase full of shorts, flip-flops and swimsuit, convinced you will nail that coveted HNL (Honolulu) and ride the waves in December? Awww! Dang, the center slot barely clicked over and you’re flying to HEL (Helsinki).

■ Foreclosure International: Deplane and within minutes everything you have worked for your entire life will be stripped from you. Oh, but they will provide life vests so our guests don’t plunge too deep underwater. Tourism officials, after all, want visitors to return, and when they do, they can probably forget about booking a hotel room. Why not just buy a new home for a dollar?

■ Liberace International Airport: All Transportation Security Administration officers shall be clad in rhinestone-studded jumpsuits. The luggage carousels painted like piano keys and bubbles will float about the terminal.

■ Bryce Harper International: You enter the airport feeling like a superstar, only to be greeted with chants of "overrated" and Ozzie Guillen impersonators nitpicking at your every move. Nah, that’s a clown question, bro.

■ Harry Reid International: Oh, no, not another filibuster. The baggage carousels freeze. Flights are delayed. Bars are closed, and security officers have gone home for the summer.

■ Casa de Shenandoah International: Why not? McCarran is actually located on Wayne Newton Boulevard so it would make sense to name the airport after Mr. Las Vegas himself. Tourists are greeted at the jetway and escorted to baggage claim atop Arabian horses, galloping past celebrity memorabilia and listening to "Danke Schoen" blaring over the speakers. The big surprise: You are not only at the airport; it doubles as Newton’s backyard-turned-tourist attraction.

■ Sin City International: Hey, you’ve had your fun in this fine town, guzzling fancy cocktails, wearing clothing you’d never dream of wearing in your hometown and stuffing dollar bills into G-strings or God knows where at totally nude clubs. Upon departure, you are in the airport’s grasp. We were chosen as a test facility for the new security scanners so it is your turn to be seen naked. Oh, and that water you have to nurse that hangover? Sorry, it’s more than 3 ounces. Hand it over please.

The LVCVA is planning to discuss the recommendation put forth by Las Vegas City Councilman Steve Ross, but ultimately it is up to the Clark County Commission to decide whether McCarran stays or goes or is somehow incorporated into another name.

Hey, at least they know where to start.

If you have a question, tip or tirade, call Adrienne Packer at 702-387-2904, or send an email to roadwarrior@ reviewjournal.com. Include your phone number. Also, you can follow her on Twitter @RJ_RoadWarrior.