Patient could have refused physician’s kisses

My (married) sister went to a doctor (and) got into a serious flirtation with him. She said it just happened. He asked a lot of questions about her, then the kissing (began). After a few of these visits, he had his assistant come in and tell my sister (the coward) he no longer would be her doctor. In other words, this is probably his M.O. She really fell for this guy. Now she is depressed because she never did anything like this against her husband and she feels very foolish and confused about why she still has feelings for this doctor. I say he is the one who was wrong personally and professionally. He crossed the line in a profession that strives on trust. What do you think?

— L.A. Las Vegas

It “just happened.” Notice the passive voice.

Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps this is the doctor’s modus operandi. Perhaps he’s a professional in a position of power who, as whimsy strikes, exploits his power to prey on female patients. To seduce them. Maybe he’s a pathological narcissist. Maybe your sister is one of many.

Or, perhaps he’s a professional in a position of power who never, not once, has done something like this before. Maybe this was as much a surprise to him as to your sister. In other words, maybe he’s a “normal neurotic” who, in a moment of weakness, gave in to some combination of emotion and desire.

Either way, his decision to terminate her as a patient was the correct one.

Regardless of my ultimate view of this doctor, the behavior was at the very least a gross breach of professionalism. It was wrong. The doctor forged a “dual relationship.” In the modern day, this is almost universally considered unethical, for several sound reasons.

Yet, what if your sister crossed the path of an amorous plumber who started kissing her in front of the kitchen sink he was fixing? What if your sister had a backstage pass to meet her favorite recording artist and he kissed her? A neighbor? The pool boy? Her massage therapist?

It’s been interesting to watch our culture sort out the issues of gender and power in respective professional settings. We have concluded that certain professional relationships wield more or different kinds of power than others. If the plumber kisses your sister, he’s just being a guy. But, if a doctor, therapist, lawyer or clergyman kisses her, these people are considered to be confusing, misusing or abusing power.

I agree. What I resist, however, is the sexist implications that have wandered unaware into these discussions. To wit: Women are rendered powerless when they walk into the offices of the above-named professionals. If any of these guys take a notion to kiss your sister, well, then I guess your sister is going to have to be kissed.

I think more highly of women than that.

Again, notice the passive language: “He/she started kissing me.” Wouldn’t it be more accurate (not to mention more honest) to say, “We kissed.” See, if someone wants to kiss you, I’m thinking you’ll notice. As his/her face moves toward yours, you’ll instinctively draw back. Turn your head. Lift your hands to impede the movement toward you.

Unless, that is, you’d like to participate in a kiss.

Yes, there exists a type of woman whose particular psychological injuries make her very, very vulnerable to exploitation at the hands of a not self-aware “normal neurotic,” let alone a predatory narcissist. But, the significant majority of married women, were a professional to take a notion to negotiate his role into a kiss or sexual overture, would more likely slap the clumsy goofball, push him away, and say, “What the hell?!”

For at least some women, the issue would not be first an abuse of power; rather, a boorish breach of social and professional decorum.

Of course, this doctor crossed the line. Of course, he was wrong, personally and professionally. My question for you, however, is this: Does that fact render moot any and all critical inquiry your sister might have for herself?

If I was her friend, her brother, or, frankly, her therapist, I would consider that conclusion to be a priority. I don’t know that I know that. She certainly doesn’t.

Doctor or plumber — there might be some responsibility here she wants to shoulder. Maybe she is too strong, too powerful, too competent and has too much integrity and self-respect not to shoulder it.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.