Couple perplexed by abrupt end to friendship

About two years ago, a friend of my husband’s informed us that he had divorced his wife and was now very happy with a new lady in his life. We met for dinner, and the four of us got along tremendously. We became friends as couples, as well as my becoming friends with his new lady, who became his wife. We became quite close and were invited to their home for Christmas Eve dinner and for New Year’s Eve, etc., as part of "family" times, as our family does not live locally and we were at loose ends. We felt secure in that relationship.

We last saw them in May of this year. The wife maintains a home in Ohio, to which she retreats during the hot summer months. She comes back to Vegas in October. She and I usually kept in touch via email and phone while she was gone … except this year.

After she left in May, I realized after a few weeks that I had not heard from her, so I sent an email asking how things were going. No answer. I sent a follow-up. No answer. I left a message on her phone. I sent an email to the husband. No answer.

I eventually got a message that he had been quite ill but was fine. After that, nothing. I was very concerned that there had been either a breakup or some sort of family tragedy. So I waited a month or so before trying to communicate further.

It has now been six months with zero communication. I have never had this experience before, and frankly, I don’t know what to do with it. I have left several messages, pleading with her to have some compassion and just send me an email to tell me what in the world I (or we) did to warrant a complete break from all communication.

My husband has left several messages for his former friend, who has not responded.

This is the strangest thing that’s ever happened to me. It gnaws at me. I’ve lain awake as my brain goes over and over again what I could possibly have done that would lead to a break in the friendship. I have left a message on her voice mail, just asking for some explanation so that I could have closure on this.

How do I let this go? What type of people, as a couple for heaven’s sake , would treat people this way? It’s unbelievable to me. I keep thinking that someone has told them lies about us that they have chosen to believe. Or perhaps one of us made some sort of unforgivable social faux pas that was never communicated to us. I just don’t know. And that’s what eats at me. — H.P., Henderson

Did you and your husband forget to ask if these people were ’60s hippie exhibitionists before you simply dropped your threads on the back patio and plopped into the hot tub? Did you invite them to swap? Did you mock their religion or scorn their politics?

Because that’s my short list of things you might have done to deserve this pronouncement of persona non grata. If the answer to the above questions is "no," then there’s a good bet that this has nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.

Perhaps some insecurity has erupted in the new marriage. Perhaps on the way home the guy revealed that he has a crush on you, or the woman revealed she has a crush on your husband. Or, perhaps some shame has come upon them: illness, tragedy, weight gain, and they can’t face you.

Or … perhaps they suddenly decided they don’t enjoy you. And so they disappeared, as it were, and hoped you would get the hint. Which is hurtful as hell. But, when you think about it, you could hardly expect them to call and say: "Hey, you two won’t be hearing from us any more. You haven’t done anything wrong. We just think you’re uninteresting. We’ve found other friends."

We could speculate forever. But, I say again, I’m thinking this has very little to do with you and your husband. This is about them.

Which means, yes, the only thing for you to do is to let go of this. To be hurt, then offended, then angry … then free.

Because you and your husband have been dismissed.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.