Doodads, advice abound for women golfers – and everyone else, too

This month, I’m going nowhere near a golf course. Not even close to the clubhouse, either.

Over the course of time, I receive a mishmash of emails concerning the golf industry, new equipment, gadgets, ideas and theories to improve play. These past few months have been exceedingly interesting with what’s going on in our world of golf.

First off, let’s examine the play of female golfers. (There’s nothing more attractive to me than women playing golf, God bless ’em.) The National Golf Course Owners Association conducted a study to determine the best course practices that catered to the female golfer. Here’s the tactics that resulted in higher merchandise sales, food and beverage sales and better overall profit per round. Italicized comments are mine.

n Four or more sets of forward tees, between 4,500 and 4,800 yards, to allow all golfers to reach the greens in regulation. And no hazards to hit over, either.

n Golf Shop of 500 square feet with a dedicated women’s department. Picture Nordstrom here.

n Both men and women employed in that golf shop. Guys must be buff.

n Abundant directional signs on the golf course. No blonde jokes here, please.

n Greeters present at the facility entry or starting area. To point the direction to the starter.

n Ample drinking water available, at least three spaces per nine. What about water retention?

n Both men and women staff members available for golf instruction. Again, male instructors must be hulks.

n Availability of child care. Away from the lounge, please.

At least there were no makeup consultants or wardrobe advisers mentioned. Amen.

Golf carts are big deals in retirement, gated and rural communities. Golf carts go too slow, averaging only 13 mph. Cart manufacturer Club Car recognized this critical issue and is offering a new 19 mph upgrade to its carts. The "Xcelerator" fits all two- and four-passenger gasoline-powered golf carts for the affordable price of $350 factory- installed or $584 for field installation. It comes with a special upgrade decal.

Since the speed limit for golf courses is 15 mph, these upgraded carts are banned from actual golf courses. Expect to see one of these new carts pull up next to your Lamborghini for a speed contest.

Want to pimp your ride? You bet. Club Car is at it again. Add a custom paint job, striping and metallic paint and your ride will be sweet.

Custom seats are available as well. Two-tone striped fabrics accent the natural curve of the seat; customize with logos, initials or your favorite pet artwork and you’ll be noticed everywhere.

Don’t overlook the dashboard. Tailor a special one in aluminum, carbon fiber or gorgeous burl wood finishes. Add a locking compartment and extra cup holders for your lattes, and you’ll be the envy of even-par shooters.

Be comfortable as well. Windshields, canopy kits, rain guards, heating systems and enclosures will allow you to play in even the most stormy conditions. Forget about that pesky lightning.

Of course, safety is a prime concern. Add a horn, turn signals, light kits for night navigating, mirrors and special security keys to eliminate would-be thieves from hijacking your cart. Better safe than sorry.

Oh, yeah, a stretch version is available to really wow your competitors.

In the "Things I Really Wanted to Know" department, I need to thank Golf Fuel Frank. Frank touts Golf Fuel as the beverage of choice to enhance your game. "This scientifically backed beverage means more powerful, gorgeous accurate shots for amateur golfers like us," Frank wrote to me. "Helps boost concentration while infusing you with a clear, focused calm confidence." Gad, I love this copywriter.

The three beverages to avoid? The beverages that make you play bad golf? According to Frank, these include:

1 – Coffee: It dehydrates you and gives you uncontrollable jitters – makes putting a nightmare.

2 – Alcohol: Many beer and cocktails can dehydrate you and numb your neurotransmitters, increasing fatigue and killing your hand-eye coordination.

3 – Energy and sport drinks: Most of these are loaded with sugar and caffeine, causing concentration and energy to skyrocket one moment and crash the next.

I can’t figure out why Maxwell House, Budweiser and Gatorade haven’t come to the same conclusion.

Finally an idea that kinda makes sense: "Who’s Your Caddy," a free new app that benefits golfer and courses alike. Invented by Red Mat Media, it’s available on iTunes and Androids. The app gives golfers caddy-like advice concerning yardage, details and strategies for each hole through videos from the club professional. It’s like having a living caddy by your side.

And courses can generate revenues through the app’s unique advertising program.

I just hope it can tell me where the beverage cart is so I can order my coffee, beer and sport drinks more efficiently.

See you next month.

John Asay is a longtime golfer and local freelance writer. Contact him at jasay@reviewjournal.com.