Take ‘radical responsibility’ for consequences of your choices

My 50th birthday turns out to be a portal of sorts, a movement through one time and one identity into the embrace of a new time and a new identity. It’s fun, if sometimes uncomfortable. Freeing to definitively discard some old ways of being and old ways of seeing myself. A little strange to be meeting my own acquaintance.

My birthday also is an occasion to inventory values. "What really matters to you," a friend asks over birthday dinner, "and how has that changed since you were, say, 30?"

What I notice more, actually, is the long and vestigial list of things that once mattered greatly. That people should like me. That I should have a lot of money. That my thriving depended on things being just and fair. That I had to examine myself constantly. That I deserved to be famous. That I would be more of a real man if I could overcome my fear of roller coasters, bungee jumping and skydiving.

So many things, thankfully, no longer matter, if they ever did. The days are lighter because of that.

"You know the things I value," I told my friend. "Respect for human dignity, truth, beauty and radical responsibility."

"I remember all but the last one," he says. "Is it a newcomer to the list? Tell me."

My interest in human responsibility has been around for a while, in pieces. But it’s clearer now to me than ever that radical responsibility is a non-negotiable attribute of living well.

Radical responsibility has three parts:

THE INTENTIONAL LIFE

The intentional life is life on purpose. It is the conscious refusal of the accidental life — life as one continuous "oops." People who live intentionally spend more time proacting and interacting with life than they spend reacting to life.

The Intentional Life accepts that most of our life circumstance is directly or at least partly related to the sum of our choices — conscious and unconscious — over the course of moments or years. Few of us are as innocent as we first appear to be.

The Intentional Life acknowledges randomness and ambiguity. For example, some Canada backpackers have beheld the natural wonder of the mighty grizzly bear; other backpackers have been beheld by the mighty grizzly bear and been mauled or killed. If you hike in Canada, that happens sometimes, no matter how careful you are.

Even so, the Intentional Life embraces ambiguity intentionally! The Intentional Life is not surprised to find that life is surprising.

The Intentional Life is not the controlling life. Quite the contrary, the Intentional Life constantly assesses its own sphere of influence, and intentionally accepts the limits of that influence. It is a paradox: The Intentional Life intentionally submits to the implacable mysteries of life events. In conscious submission — not cynical resignation, not passive fatalism — we accept radical responsibility for all life circumstances, even circumstances beyond our control.

FROM VICTIM TO HERO

To be victimized means to experience injustice or tragedy. To be a "Victim," however, is to confuse the events of injustice or tragedy with our very identity. To be a "Hero" is to take responsibility for our identity despite injustice or tragedy.

We are vulnerable to injustice and tragedy, and there are limits to our ability to defend ourselves. We can practice safety, use caution with strangers, lock our doors, practice healthy habits and still things happen. We can be victimized.

But the power to decide how we are related to events, what the events ultimately mean, the power to decide who we are in the midst of those events — that power belongs to us.

ETHICS

The radical responsible life is a commitment to a life of ethics. Ethics are not the same as morals. Morals have more to do with specific codes of conduct: "Do this … Don’t do that."

The ethical life is first and foremost about our relationship to our conduct. Our conduct is ours. No amount of explanation for our conduct — even insightful and accurate explanation — changes the fact that our behavior belongs to us.

The Ethical Life has stopped arguing with the Cosmic Law that people make choices and choices have consequences.

Which leads me to the Pledge of Allegiance to Exceptional Living:

"Here and now, I, (insert name), do pledge to take radical responsibility for all the consequences of all my choices, conscious and unconscious … even the consequences I neither expected nor intended."

I’m not saying I do it perfectly, but I like aiming at it. I admire people who reach for it.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.