Sharing a house comes with array of tough challenges to work out

Q: I am seven months pregnant, and have recently moved into a four-bedroom house with my husband, his father and our four dogs. That’s where the problem starts. His father has a friend who basically has taken in a whole family (including children that range in age from 4 to 18). The friend has guardianship of one of the children (age 4), while the rest run around without any restriction on the mother’s part. I called my husband and he seems to think there’s no reason these children can’t stay over. I assume that my father-in-law feels the same way. I am not their mother. I will not be responsible for them. Why should I have to feel like I have to lock myself in my room? I know I may not pay the bills, but I’m the one who does the housework. How can I convince my husband that these children do not belong here? — C.W., Las Vegas

A: “Moved into” a house? Should I be wondering why you didn’t say “purchased” a new house? Or, “moved into our new home”? I’m trying to ascertain whose name is on the deed, or the mortgage, or, if renting, the lease.

With your father-in-law? The modern prejudice for the “nuclear family” usually means that multigenerational living arrangements happen because of need — economic need, physical decline or chronic health condition, failing faculties, etc. Why is your father-in-law living with you? (Not saying that’s a bad thing. Just not common in middle-class America.)

Did you buy/lease the house with your father-in-law? Are you renting from him? Or is he renting from you? Or is he staying with you for free because he’s family?

If Fred’s name (I’m going to call him Fred because I’m tired of typing “father-in-law”) is on the deed or lease, then he’s a co-owner, a member of your family, and, as such, has equal rights to his own social life. This might conceivably include befriending someone with lots of kids and offering his home to those same kids.

But if this is the case, you and your husband have equal rights, too. And you’d be well within your rights to demand to be consulted when Fred desires to accommodate other people’s children for whatever reason, be those children well-behaved or urchins (as my grandmother would say). The three of you would negotiate significant disruptions to the rhythms of your family.

And on the agreed upon days to have the kids over, you would, at minimum, expect Fred to provide or arrange for competent child care and supervision, especially if the kids’ parents were not present or were unwilling to provide same.

In your shoes, I’d be tempted to punctuate this last point by making plans to be gone all day the next time the kids were scheduled to be there. (evil grin)

You don’t pay the bills? Hard to believe, in 2007, that women still offer up that protest. While I understand that money and paychecks are powerful symbols in our culture, the bottom line is you’re the domestic engineer. None of my business how and why you and your husband decided on this division of labor, but you did. Marriage is a partnership. You’re a full and equal partner. Doesn’t matter who goes to work and who stays home.

But if your husband understands himself to have the right to discount your status in the family decision-making because you don’t earn a paycheck, or worse, doesn’t think it’s necessary to consult with you when neighbors you don’t know and didn’t invite invade your home, then I’d want to ask how and why you’d put up with that twisted reasoning for very long.

Convince your husband that Fred’s friend’s unsupervised children don’t belong there? I wouldn’t know why you would waste one sentence trying to convince him. I think a straightforward mutiny is in order. Might sound like this:

“This ‘house full of unannounced crazed children’ thing isn’t working for me. I might be willing to negotiate the occasional visit, but not as a regular thing, especially with the new baby coming. And the most important thing I have to tell you is that the expectation that I would be automatically willing to supervise children who just show up at my house is misplaced. Just ain’t gonna happen. You and I need to come to an understanding and then go talk to your dad.”

Of course, if it’s Fred’s house, then you have fewer rights and less wiggle room. But your living there still doesn’t make you the presumed, live-in baby sitter.

I find myself curious about the history of your husband’s relationship with his father. Also curious about your understanding of what it means to be in marital partnership.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal. com.