Actors shouldn’t quit day jobs

When not expounding upon the delights of french fried pa-taters or vomiting on himself in a St. Nick outfit, actor Billy Bob Thornton, he of “Sling Blade” and “Bad Santa” fame, picks up a guitar and fashions dusty, Southern-styled rock ‘n’ roll.

Frankly, I prefer him as a barfing Santa.

Thornton’s albums aren’t bad, colored mostly by competent, sturdily crafted Americana. But honestly, other than a huge sack of dead kittens, is there anything more sad than an actor trying to become a rock star?

In honor of Thornton’s stop at Green Valley Ranch’s Ovation Lounge this Friday, let’s take a look back at some other actors’ attempts at launching careers in music.

Bruce Willis

Celebrity appeal: Willis gave anyone with a functioning cochlea a real reason to sing the blues when he embarked on his mercifully brief stint as a wannabe harmonica man in the late ’80s with a pair of LPs. If the cultural arsenic that is “The Whole Ten Yards,” “Hudson Hawk” and “The Fifth Element” don’t earn him a special “Willis Wing” in Hades, this should seal the deal.

Cringe factor: Like watching a loved one get fed into a leaf mulcher.

Juliette Lewis

Celebrity appeal: Backed by her band, the Licks, Lewis bashes out fist-in-the-air pop come-ons like Iggy Pop with ovaries. This gal could most definitely make the dudes in the Fray cry.

Cringe factor: If you’re Avril Lavigne, you should be shakin’ like a wet dog stuck in a meat locker.

Minnie Driver

Celebrity appeal: On her latest disc, the rustic “Seastories,” the “Good Will Hunting” star enlists Ryan Adams’ backing band, the Cardinals, to craft rootsy, folk-inflected rock ‘n’ roll that packs all the excitement of a professional thumb wrestling tournament.

Cringe factor: Makes a day spent organizing your sock drawer seem like the 4th of July.

JARED LETO

Celebrity appeal: Leto first came to fame as the forever moody Jordan Catalano on TV drama “My So Called Life,” and his band 30 Seconds to Mars packs an entire season of teenage angst into just about every tune. If your kid sister wrote the lyrics to a forgotten Smashing Pumpkins album, it’d sound a lot like these dudes.

Cringe factor: Zero — if you’re a sullen teen with an eye-liner black wardrobe whose parents just don’t understand, man.

Don Johnson

Celebrity appeal: This is the sound of humanity’s nadir, of Satan’s maniacal cackle at the fall of mankind, of pastel pants and painted-on facial hair. Johnson’s “Heartbeat” is among the worst aspects of the ’80s, like being trapped in a burning car with Ollie North and Alf.

Cringe factor: Remember that scene in “Ace Ventura” where Jim Carrey burns his clothes and curls up in a fetal position in the shower, lost, naked and alone? It’s kind of like that.

Jason Bracelin’s “Sounding Off” column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 383-0476 or e-mail him at jbracelin@ reviewjournal.com.