Sticky Situation
It’s never a good sign when a movie company doesn’t let critics see a film before it’s released. That means the company knows it’s a stinker.
It’s rarer when a video game company keeps critics from pre-reviewing a splashy new release.
But this is the case with “Spider-Man 3.” Activision held onto the game until May 4, supposedly to coincide with the film’s opening. Once you play it, though, you soon understand how stinky it is.
“Spider-Man 3” looks bad. Faces are drawn as if by amateur cartoonists. Spider-Man’s moves are choppy. When I play it on my PS 3, the buttons aren’t very responsive. Therefore I, Spider-Man, keep getting punched in the face.
I do not like getting punched in the face.
The game goes from annoying to decent, then to super-duper annoying. First, you have to work through a tutorial: Here’s how to kick; here’s how to dodge a fist; and so on. Gamers hate tutorials. They hate having to dodge even worse. We just want to tussle.
Then, the game gets pretty good for seven hours. You swing through the big city. You pummel guys. And you begin to think everything’s swell.
But halfway through, it becomes so amazingly difficult, boring and frustrating, I stopped playing it, and I will never return.
What a head-scratcher. The first two “Spider-Man” games were terrific. Mostly what Activision did here was add some new characters and scenes inspired by the third film and update the city with new missions.
The game sends you webbing between skyscrapers to carry out violent goals, kind of like a bloodless, “PG” version of “Grand Theft Auto,” starring a good sticky guy.
But what’s with the pressing of certain buttons in sequence, “Dragon’s Lair” style? And what’s with all this repetitive punching? Seriously, to win fights against most gangsters, all I do is press seven PS 3 buttons at the same time, constantly. It’s a monster mash.
The first time I fought the new Goblin, I landed 120 straight combo attacks in a row, which is like winning a basketball game 100-0. But later, Sandman became adequately tough. And after him came a horde of game-ruining, invincible villains.
I spent four hours failing to beat up an immortal Kraven, some drug dealer guy, plus a giant lizard protected by a force field. This is when I figured out what a disaster “Spider-Man 3” is. What could have been a three-star game is a one-star game.
Film fans may be glad it comes with voice acting from movie stars Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace and J.K. Simmons. Kirsten Dunst is missing. Some other actress coos in her place. (“Go faster!” Shut up!)
Like in previous “Spider-Mans,” Maguire gives funny deliveries of silly lines. When he’s battling big lizards, he casually says, “This will definitely set back human-giant lizard relations.”
But I will never hear whatever Maguire recorded for the second half of “Spider-Man 3,” since it is the most flawed major release I can remember in some time. Didn’t anyone at Activision test-play this game?
(“Spider-Man 3” retails for $60 for PS 3 and Xbox 360; $50 for Wii; $40 for PS 2; $30 for DS and GBA — Plays fun sometimes, but mostly repetitive, and alternately easy or frustrating. Looks OK. Ultimately, very challenging. Rated “T” for mild language and violence. One star out of four.)
DOUG ELFMANMORE COLUMNS NEW IN STORES
“MLB 07: The Show” adds extensive first-person views to baseball’s defensive positions. It retails for $60 for PS 3 and is rated “E.”
“Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell Double Agent” already is available for other systems but goes now to the PS 3, with its undercover spy missions to battle terrorists. It retails for $60 for PS 3 and is rated “M” for blood, language and violence.
— By DOUG ELFMAN
