Snooze Fest

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The plodding pace of playing video game soccer is just like the plodding pace of watching real soccer on TV. You run, dribble, pass and (if you’re lucky) kick a ball at a goaltender, who will almost always stop the ball from scoring. Then time runs out with a zero-to-zero tie, the end, snooze.

In other words, it’s boring unless you score. If you do nail a goal, it’s a little more exciting. But let’s be honest. Ever since video game soccer became more realistic, it’s become a yawner unless you enjoy watching soccer on TV. This is unlike, say, golfing games, which are entertaining even if you hate real golf.

The two newest soccer games — "UEFA Euro 2008" and "Pro Evolution Soccer 2008" — make "European football" fairly manageable. At times, they’re even kind of fun. I’m not saying they’re addictive. But they don’t make me want to gouge my eyes out due to ennui or anger.

Yes, anger. Video game soccer unleashes the fury. I’ve been complaining for five years or so that soccer games won’t allow you to truly control your defensive players. As soon as you position a defender to steal a ball from a rival, the game automatically switches your controls to another defender on your team.

That’s frustrating. Here’s an analogy. Imagine if you were playing a baseball game, and just when you were guiding a left fielder to chase a ball, the game switched your controls to your center fielder. Yeah, that would cause you Major League rage.

The solution to this soccer-defense problem in both "UEFA Euro 2008" and "Pro Evolution Soccer 2008" is to constantly hold down one "apply pressure" button that forces your defensive players to automatically attack rivals who have the ball. This is a simple fix that makes you stop screaming from your couch.

Fortunately, both games boast good game play, otherwise. "Euro" and "Evolution" are fluid and intuitive to learn. They come with plenty of teams and leagues. And you can play multiplayer games online.

But here’s the bittersweet bottom line. As much fun as "Euro" and "Evolution" can be, even for amateurs, it is a nightmare to determine how hard you should kick a ball to score. The slightest kick can either send a ball flying 20 feet over the net, or can merely dribble the ball toward the goaltender’s feet.

Worse: You have to memorize up to 145 button combinations to make use of all the game’s maneuvers. That includes simple things, such as shooting and passing, to complex moves such as "first-time shot/head ball," "stationary feint" and "Marseilles turn."

You can win without memorizing every step of the soccer field. And if you’re a huge soccer fan, you’ll probably love the details. But me? I’m moving on to a game more suited to my simple, action-crazed American brain, like golf, maybe.

("Pro Evolution Soccer 2008" retails for $50 for Xbox 360 and PS 3, $40 for Wii, $30 for PSP, PS 2 and DS — Plays fun and deep if you like soccer, but complex and slow if you don’t. Looks good. Challenging to very challenging, depending on which settings you choose. Rated "E." Three stars out of four.)

("UEFA Euro 2008" retails for $50 for Xbox 360 and PS 3, $40 for PSP, $30 for PS 2 — Plays fun and deep if you like soccer, but complex and slow if you don’t. Looks very good. Challenging to extremely challenging, depending on which settings you choose. Rated "E." Three stars.)