Tone up with these tunes

Right about now, a lot of you are trying to live up to those pesky New Year’s resolutions, many of which involve getting into shape. (But really, how can one be out of shape? Isn’t oblong technically a shape?)

Nevertheless, I’m here for you. Recently, fitness website RunHundred.com released its annual poll of best workout songs of 2010, with hits by Flo Rida, Lady Gaga and Ke$ha topping the list. P’shaw. I can do better than that. Read on for an exercise soundtrack that will help you become so damn hot, the sun will be putting on you-tan lotion.

Manowar, “Kings of Metal.” Manowar are experts in approximately four things: wearing loincloths, riding Harleys, oiling up pectoral muscles and smashing you in the babymaker with kick-ass metal anthems. Seriously, who better to get you pumped than these dudes? They’re like Hanz and Franz with Marshall stacks.

Agoraphobic Nosebleed, “Frozen Corpse Stuffed with Dope.” You no longer have to deny food to your kids so that you can spend all your dough on those pricey energy supplements at GNC, as this grind heart attack is like having a gallon drum of Red Bull administered intravenously while snorting bumps of meth thicker than the chalk outlines of a baseball diamond.

Britney Spears, “If You Seek Amy.” You really only go to the gym for one reason: so that more people will want to have sex with you. There it is. That’s it. And as you become increasingly desirable, you’ll want to flaunt it, right? That’s exactly what Ms. Spears does here, practically rubbing your nose in her hotness until there’s a gaping cavity in your undeserving face. Just say the title of this one real fast. That’s what all the girls and all the boys are going to want to do you from now on.

Carcass, “Regurgitation of Giblets.” It’s like Confucius once said: Shortcuts rule, brah. Go ahead, skip the sit-ups. Just do as this one’s title suggests. Don’t worry about health issues, nancy boy, these Brit gore metal pioneers have long filled their tunes with medical terms, which means, you know, they’re like doctors and stuff.

A.C., “I Like It When You Die.” Are you one of those guys in the gym who needs someone shrieking at you like a hyena giving birth to a bowling ball, loudly challenging your manhood for motivation? Well, the fellas in A.C. are happy to accommodate you with some serious self-esteem slamming grind to get you all fired up via under-a-minute outbursts such as “Ha Ha Your Wife Left You,” “Your Best Friend Is You,” “You Look Adopted,” etc. It’s all true, by the way.

Turbonegro, “Everyone Loves a Chubby Dude.” Were we a little too hard on you with that last one? It’s OK, relax. These Norwegian hard rock hedonists know what’s up. C’mon now, sing along with flabby frontman Hank von Helvete: “I am the lizard king, I can eat anything!” And that’s the sound of you ordering more chicken wings.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.