Pink, punching Vegas in the gut today, gives love the middle finger

Pink, the queen of the anti-love song, plays the Mandalay Bay Events Center today.

So, Pink, tell us “The Truth About Love.”

“It’s nasty and salty,” the bawdy pop star sings on the title track of her latest album. “It’s the regret in the morning / It’s the smelling of armpits.”

Equating amour with body odor, Pink’s the poet laureate of the anti-love song, Lord Byron’s inverse.

Sure, she’s got a soft side, but she’s at her best when putting crappy dudes and empty relationships on blast.

In honor of Pink’s stop in town today, let’s count down her top five down-with-love anthems.

Cupid, wear a helmet.

5. “Hell Wit Ya”

Don’t you hate it when you roll into Pizza Hut with your boo to share a P’zone, maybe some chocolate dunkers — like a boss! — and you run into your special someone’s “cousin.”

Or so you’re told.

Only to later find out that the person in question doesn’t share blood with your lover, but a bed.

And not just for sleepy time.

This is the scenario that unfolds on this track from Pink’s first record, “Can’t Take Me Home,” back when only her hair was shorter than her temper.

“You didn’t treat me right,” she tells her no-good ex, before giving him the boot.

Should have ordered those dunkers after all, bro.

4. “Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)”

Adam: “Hey girl, whatcha doin’?”

Eve: “Ugh. You’re always hanging all over me. Like, if I’m Wrigley Field, you’re the ivy smothering the outfield wall. Clingy. Like that chick from ‘Swimfan.’ Only you’re a dude.”

Adam: “But I gave you a rib.”

Eve: “We were tailgating.”

Adam: “Before that. Look, all I’m saying is that you’re the Winnie Cooper to my Kevin Arnold, the apple of my eye.”

Eve: “OK, I get ‘The Wonder Years’ reference, but what’s an apple?”

Adam: “Well, in most circumstances, it’s a tasty fruit. But in our case, it’s a symbol of humankind’s eternal struggle with temptation.”

Eve: “Temptation? That rhymes with ‘vacation.’ And that’s what I need from you. But before you go, pass me one of those ‘apples.’ What’s the worst that could happen?”

So, you see, overbearing dudes have been sweating females since the dawn of man.

That’s where it began, and this track from Pink’s 2006 album “I’m Not Dead” is where it ends.

“You taste so sweet, but I can’t eat the same thing every day,” she sings, and clearly, she’s had her fill.

3. “Slut Like You”

Here, Pink treats boys like bottles of Budweiser: something to be drained for kicks then disposed of.

She has plenty of experience with both.

“They think we fall in love, but that’s not it,” she sneers on this song from her most recent disc. “Just want to get some.”

Tossing off F-bombs right along with her undergarments, Pink revels in sex for the sake of sex, and nothing more.

She strips all the romance from the act, all the pretense, at least for a night, beating womanizers at their own game.

The objectified becomes the objectifier.

Pink turns the table — and then gets busy on it.

2. “The King Is Dead
But The Queen Is Alive”

First, Pink pats herself on the back for having the fortitude to dump her undeserving dude.

“Unlike your anatomy, I’m glad I had it in me,” she sings on this bonus track from her last album.

Then, she throws a party.

“Three cheers for the one who got away!” she booms on the chorus, sounding liberated, as if she’d picked the lock on a pair of emotional handcuffs.

Her message: Don’t be afraid to part with your partner, if need be.

Be strong.

Stand up for yourself — and then celebrate until standing upright ceases to be an option.

1. “U + Ur Hand”

This song is to kiss-offs what “Good Burger” is to films featuring talking beef patties.

It’s that definitive.

The scene: Pink’s at a bar — c’mon, suspend your disbelief and play along — but she doesn’t want to be bothered by a bunch of “Night at the Roxbury”-type dudes with their tongues hanging out of their mouths like winded water buffaloes.

“I’m not here for your entertainment,” she howls on the song from “I’m Not Dead.” “You don’t really want to mess with me tonight.”

You see, the lady just wants some time to herself.

And so she advises her would-be suitors to keep their hands off — they’ll be busy gripping other things soon enough.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at
jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.