Lessons learned from Wiz Khalifa

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He’s a motivational speaker of reefer.

Imagine a massive glob of THC zipped up into a man suit.

Actually, you don’t have to use your imagination because said dude exists.

And that would be rapper Wiz Khalifa, a guy whose bong sees more action than Prince’s water bed.

“I’m higher than a plane and I don’t wanna land / Every time I speak, I see a hundred grand / Rollin’ so much weed it’s like the motherland,” he raps on “Guilty Conscience,” one of the MC’s roughly 73 odes to ganja.

“My weed so strong, I swear to God you would think it’s cologne,” he boasts on “California,” just in case you didn’t get the message – and by “message,” we mean a wicked contact high.

Merely mentioning the guy’s name makes us reach for the Visine.

We’d punch a nun for some Cheetos right about now.

Seriously, though, Khalifa’s commitment to pot is actually rather impressive in its unwavering zeal and nonstop boosterism.

He’s like the Confucius of cannabis, the Buddha of buddha.

And when he’s not smoking, he’s drinking.

Sometime he even does both at once!

This fellow knows how to party, and seeing how this city is built on partying, we can learn a thing or two from this noble stoner in order to become more efficient in the art of getting poo-faced.

With Khalifa coming to town this weekend, let’s take a few pointers from the man himself on how to properly cut loose.

SPEND YOUR MONEY
AS FAST AS YOU MAKE IT

Wiz treats frugality like Honey Boo Boo’s kin does book learnin’: something to be avoided at all costs.

“I’m gonna spend it all / Why wait for another day? / I’ma take all this money I own and blow it all away,” he raps on “When I’m Gone” as his accountant chokes down another roll of Tums.

But hey, Khalifa can’t help it.

Apparently, his genetic makeup comprises fine French clothing.

“Make a hundred K / Spend it all today / What can I say? / My DNA is Givenchy,” he explains on “It’s Nothin’.”

Interesting.

When he cuts himself shaving, does he bleed berets, then?

SET LOFTY GOALS

There’s lots of laudable causes to dedicate one’s life to: ending world hunger, brokering peace in the Middle East, becoming fluent in Klingon.

For Wiz, it’s puffing his way through a Mount Everest of illicit substances.

“I did enough hash / To make a mountain,” he boasts on “Mary 3x.”

Mission accomplished!

See, now that’s what we’re talking about, kids.

Here’s a man who set high goals for himself – and then he got even higher.

That’s inspiration.

If this rap thing doesn’t work out, Khalifa should become a life coach.

What’s that, Tony Robbins?

Can’t hear you over the loud trampling of your hopes and dreams.

DRINK YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

“You see the life you wanna live on TV and wanna be a part of it?”

Yeah.

“Spend every night just popping bottles / Pouring drinks in VIP,” Khalifa helpfully explains on “The Cruise.”

Hmm, didn’t know it was that easy.

Bartender, another bucket of Schlitz.

Fame is calling.

Or the trots.

You know, one of the two.

GIVE BACK TO THE LOCAL ECONOMY

How does one getting drunk equate to your kids becoming better educated?

Granted, inebriation is at least partially responsible for why many of you have kids to begin with, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

Let Wiz explain.

“Book my flight to Vegas / 20 thou to stay the night / Another 10 on champagne / My money long, I pay the price,” he rhymes on “My Favorite Song.”

Now, that’s a lot of cash generated for various local businesses. This, in turn, increases earnings and raises tax revenues, part of which funds local schools.

So, you see, it’s no stretch to say that Wiz Khalifa has made your children smarter.

How to repay the man?

We’d suggest some weed.

Contact reporter Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@
reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476.