10 cheesiest come-ons on Justin Timberlake’s new record
It’s a tradition like no other.
No, we’re not talking about the Masters, but rather The Master (of saying things to women than no other man could ever get away with saying).
Perhaps the greatest joy of experiencing a new Justin Timberlake album is thrilling at the audacity, the enviable, did-he-just-say-that? ridiculousness of all the sweet talk he drops on the ladies.
It’s a truly beautiful and impressive art form.
How does Timberlake get away with it?
Well, he’s super talented, super good looking and super nice.
Guess some of you are into that sort of thing.
Timberlake outdoes himself on his latest record, “Man of the Woods,” though.
With the superstar multi-hyphenate hitting Vegas in support of “Woods” this weekend, let’s take a minute to marvel, to savor, to get-up-on-our-feet-and-clap-our-damn-hands in appreciation of the record’s most deliciously cheesy come-ons:
“You must be God herself, can I come worship?” — “Sauce”
Ever make a woman’s eyes roll like slot machine reels? Try this one out.
“What you gonna do with all that meat? Cookin’ up a mean servin’ ” — “Filthy”
Bonus lyric No. 1: “Totally gonna raise your cholesterol, girl / Better get you some atorvastatin calcium tablets / Common side effects include diarrhea, upset stomach, muscle and joint pain — and my love.”
“What you gonna do with all that beast? / When I leave the cage open?” — “Filthy”
Call animal control, there’s a sex panther on the loose. True story: There’s actually a Sex Panther cologne, made with real panther bits, so you know it’s good. They’ve done studies: 60 percent of the time, it works every time.
“Caught a chill, baby, you the coldest” — “Filthy”
Bonus lyric No. 2: “Gonna need some antibiotics, girl, so I don’t get sick / Got my CVS Extra Care card / ’Cause you know I appreciate a good money-saving opportunity / And your body.”
“I’ll be the light when you can’t see / I’ll be the wood when you need heat / I’ll be the generator, turn me on when you need electricity” — “Supplies”
Only Timberlake would still be trying to get it on in the face of a wicked bad natural disaster. Bonus lyric No. 3: “I’ll be your overpriced jug of drinking water that people fight over at Walmart in order to stave off dysentery, girl.”
“When the moon wakes up the sun / And our shadows kissed up on the mountains / Our kiss is somethin’ to watch” — “Montana”
Moon: Mornin’. Hey, isn’t that JT making out with the female lead from “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?”
Sun: Yeah. They’re married.
Moon: Cool. Like some coffee?
Sun: Thanks, but I don’t have any lips.
“Beautiful boy, got it from your mama / Damn, she look good, you might get a sister / By the time you get the picture” — “Young Man”
C’mon, man, Timberlake can’t even sit down for a tender heart-to-heart with his son without making a crack about shagging his mom.
“The world can end now / Baby, we’ll be living in ‘The Walking Dead,’ ” — “Supplies”
What lovely lass doesn’t swoon to a good zombie metaphor as it relates to a man’s undying (get it!) love for her? It’s like Baudelaire once said, ‘Chicks dig brain-eaters, dude. Also, Carl sucks.’ ”
“I might as well have been some butter / Melting all over, girl, what?” — “Higher, Higher”
What, indeed.
Preview
■ Who: Justin Timberlake
■ When: 7:30 p.m. Saturday and Sunday
■ Where: T-Mobile Arena, 3780 Las Vegas Blvd. South
■ Tickets: $60-$280 (702-692-1600)
Contact Jason Bracelin at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0476. Follow @JasonBracelin on Twitter.
