Every holiday seems like a good day for ‘Die Hard’
Opening “Safe Haven,” the latest Nicholas Sparks weepie, on Valentine’s Day is a no-brainer.
Same for the supernatural love story “Beautiful Creatures.”
Single ladies need something to do tonight.
But “A Good Day to Die Hard”?
It isn’t opening Friday, like the animated, Area 51-set “Escape from Planet Earth.”
It didn’t open Wednesday, the traditional midweek release date for movies looking to goose their box-office hauls over a long holiday weekend.
The studio specifically targeted the most romantic day of the year.
Just to recap, at the beginning of “Die Hard,” Bruce Willis’ iconic John McClane was estranged from his wife, Holly (Bonnie Bedelia). They were together for “Die Hard 2,” but by the start of “Die Hard: With a Vengeance,” they were separated again and were divorced by the time “Live Free or Die Hard” rolled around. In the latest installment, she’s only mentioned in passing. Forget about a status update. No one even speaks her name.
Honestly, you’d think his having killed a couple of dozen terrorists, destroyed a high-rise and blown up a jetliner just to save her would have bought their relationship a little more time.
Other than that, though, the series has found little time for affairs of the heart.
There are brief scenes of couples — nameless co-workers (“DH1”), bad guy Simon (Jeremy Irons) and his henchbabe (“DH3”) — getting it on atop desks. McClane’s daughter, Lucy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), made goo-goo eyes at a hacker (“DH4”). And those Fabio-looking terrorists (“DH1”) sure loved their hair-care products.
But if the franchise can successfully position itself as Feb. 14 fodder, Valentine’s Day will join the long list of “Die Hard”-appropriate holidays, including …
Christmas: “DH1” and “DH2” take place amid the carols and mangled mistletoe.
Independence Day: “DH4” is set during the busy holiday weekend. (Pay no attention to the fact that McClane runs around Washington, D.C., wearing a leather jacket.)
Labor Day: McClane has relied on all manner of everyday working stiffs — a limo driver (“DH1”), a janitor (“DH2”), an electrician (“DH3”) and a truck driver (“DH3”). Union yes!
Father’s Day: “DH4” is all about McClane reconnecting with his daughter. And “DH5” is dripping with daddy issues as he jets off to Russia to rescue his estranged son, Jack (Jai Courtney).
Easter: Well, some of those bad guys have made a habit of seemingly rising from the dead.
Veterans Day: One of “DH1’s” Agent Johnsons served. (“Just like (expletive) Saigon!”) As did “DH2’s” Marvin the janitor. (“Just like Iwo Jima!”) On a less heroic note, the “DH2” villains were active military.
Martin Luther King Day: For better or worse, “DH3” was as much about race relations as it was leveling entire blocks of Manhattan.
Earth Day: Few movies have been greener than “DH2,” which recycled most of the original’s plot. Christmas Eve setting. Terrorists putting Holly’s life in danger. McClane crawling through elevator shafts and heating ducts. William Atherton’s smarmy TV reporter and Reginald VelJohnson’s Twinkie-loving cop shoehorned in. Both movies even closed with Vaughn Monroe’s “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow.”
United Nations Day: What could be more globally inclusive than a team of German, Italian, Chinese, French and American terrorists stealing from a Japanese conglomerate?
Pearl Harbor Day: Both Takagi (“DH1”) and Marvin the janitor (“DH2”) reference the attack.
Senior Citizens Day: “DH5” doesn’t shy away from McClane’s age. It’s kind of hard to considering he’s been doing this for a quarter century and is now blowing up Moscow alongside his adult son. But while he’s still the same wise-cracking cop, he’s been allowed to age gracefully, even trading in his trademarked wife-beater for a V-neck undershirt. It’s also probably no coincidence that the movie closes with “Doom and Gloom,” the latest single from The Rolling Stones.
Boxing Day: There’s no actual boxing, but there is plenty of fisticuffs. (Whaddya mean that’s not what Boxing Day is?)
Isaac Newton Day (Dec. 25): Because so many of the stunts — especially in the more outlandish “DH4” and “DH5” — defy the laws of gravity and physics.
Roy Rogers Day (Nov. 5, Apple Valley, Calif.): Celebrating McClane’s nom de carnage, whose cowboy persona inspired the series’ signature catchphrase: “Yippee ki-yay …”
National Go Barefoot Day (June 1): This really exists. And its origins have nothing to do with those bloody stumps McClane was left with in “DH1” after deciding to make fists with his toes.
Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@review
journal.com or 702-380-4567.
