An A-to-Z guide to ‘The Twilight Saga’
You want to connect with your teenage daughter. Maybe you’re just looking for a night out with the girls. Or you’re in a new relationship and you want (to at least pretend) to share her interests.
Whatever your reason, you’ve decided to see “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2,” which opens tonight, but have neither the time nor the desire to see the first four movies.
Well, you’re in luck, as this “A-to-Z Guide to ‘The Twilight Saga’ for Newbies” will help you make sense – assuming such a thing is even possible – of the wildly popular franchise before it comes to an end.
Alice – Edward’s “sister,” Jasper’s lover, Bella’s confidante. Adorable pixie-ish vampire who can see the future. Is way more interesting than Bella.
Baseball – Favorite pastime of the Cullen clan.
Bella – Shy, sullen, clumsy girl at the center of the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob debate.
“Breaking Dawn – Part 1” – The fourth movie, in which Bella marries Edward, honeymoons, gets pregnant, has a baby, dies and wakes up a vampire.
Brooding – Favorite pastime of Bella.
Carlisle – Forks’ town doctor and leader of the Cullen vampire clan, which includes his wife, Esme, and “children” Alice, Edward, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie.
Charlie – Bella’s dad, Forks’ police chief. Loving if overwhelmed, his qualities as a father are inversely proportional to the horribleness of his mustache.
Dream, A – How the “Twilight” story came to author Stephenie Meyer. This explains so very much.
“Eclipse” – The third movie. Bella: “Make me a vampire.” Edward: “No.” A vampire army rises against the Cullens. Bella: “But I really wanna be a vampire.” Edward: “No.” Bella, Edward and Jacob go camping. Bella: “C’mon, do it.” Edward: “No.” The wolves help the Cullens defeat the vampires. Bella: “Pretty please?” Edward: “Oh, all right.”
Edward – Cold to the touch, reads minds and scampers up trees. He’s the dreamiest vampire in all the land.
Eeew! – Bella is 17 when she meets Edward, who was born in 1901. And people give Courtney Stodden a hard time.
Emmett – Edward’s “brother,” Rosalie’s lover. He’s the burly guy who doesn’t do much besides wait for a fight to break out.
Esme – Carlisle’s wife. She’s somehow even less interesting than Bella.
Forks – Small, rain-soaked Washington town where no one ever thinks it’s odd that, on those rare days when the sun breaks through the cloud cover, the pasty-faced doctor, his pasty-faced wife and their five adopted pasty-faced kids are nowhere to be seen.
Ground, The – The most interesting thing in Forks, judging by the way Bella keeps staring at it.
Huh? – Bella insists that Edward make her a vampire so they can be together forever while, for the longest time, refusing to marry him because she’s too young for that kind of a commitment.
Idiocy, Life-Threatening – What Bella suffers from, according to Alice. As in, “I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy.”
Imprinting – The involuntary way wolves find their soulmates through an intense, nearly indescribable love. See also “Renesmee” and “Yuck.”
Insufferable – See “Bella.”
Jacob – Immature Native American teen who can transform into a wolf. Has a long-standing crush on Bella because no one ever took him aside to say, “Dude, she’s just not that into you.”
Jasper – Edward’s “brother,” Alice’s lover. He’s the Southern gentleman with the unruly perm who looks like the lead singer of a midlevel emo band.
Jessica – Bella’s friend, Folks High valedictorian. Played by Anna Kendrick (“Up in the Air”), she sticks out like an Oscar-nominated thumb. Is also way more interesting than Bella.
Jorts – Clothing of choice for Jacob and his fellow wolves.
Kinky – How the rest of Forks High views the Cullen kids, since all of them but Edward are madly in love with an adoptive sibling.
“Leader of the Pack” – 1) 1964 pop hit for The Shangri-Las. 2) A grown man who spends most of his time in the woods with shirtless teen boys.
Mike – Has a crush on Bella, goes to see a violent movie with her and Jacob, throws up and is rarely seen again.
Money – The sole reason for splitting “Breaking Dawn” into two movies. It certainly wasn’t an overabundance of plot.
“New Moon” – The second movie, in which Edward leaves town and Bella mopes around even more than usual, until she begins stringing along a newly buff Jacob.
Obsessive – How a rational person would view the love between Bella and Edward. Take away the vampirism and you’d have every third Lifetime movie.
Pack, The – Jacob’s fellow wolves. In human form, they’re aggressive, muscular, shirtless young men.
Porno, Gay – Style of movie for which the pack seems better suited.
Quileute – Jacob’s tribe.
Rainier – Charlie’s favorite beer. Consider downing at least a six-pack before you go.
Renee – Bella’s mom, whose second marriage leads Bella to move from Phoenix to Forks. Rarely seen, she’s still more interesting than Bella.
Renesmee – Bella and Edward’s human-vampire hybrid daughter. Her gestation and birth is one of the more harrowing pro-life testimonials you’ll likely ever see.
Rosalie – Edward’s “sister,” Emmett’s lover. Still bitter about being made a vampire back in the ’30s. If she were ever given something to do besides look pretty, she too would be more interesting than Bella.
Shirts – More so than vampires, the mortal enemy of wolves. Jacob flat out refuses to wear them, even, hilariously, during a snowstorm.
Sleep – 1) Something Edward doesn’t do. 2) Something you should try if the opening scenes don’t grab you.
Sparkle – What vampires do in the sunlight. They don’t burst into flames. They don’t die some other agonizing death. They sparkle. Seriously.
Treaty – Basis for the fragile peace between the Quileutes and the Cullens.
“Twilight” – The first movie, in which Bella moves to Forks and falls deeply, madly and head-scratchingly in love with Edward. She’s hunted by a rival vampire with badly defined motivation, nearly dies, then goes to prom.
Umm? – As in, “Umm, why are the wolves sometimes the size of Clydesdales and sometimes the size of regular wolves?”
Vegetarian – A vampire who only feeds on animals.
Volturi – Poorly fleshed-out vampire royalty who live in Italy and police other vampires.
Walsh, Brandon – Model for Edward’s hair in early films.
Why? – As in, “Why are Edward and Jacob always fighting over Bella when there are plenty of morose fish in the sea?”
X-Rays – How Carlisle knows the fetus is breaking Bella’s bones, even her back, and slowly killing her in “Breaking Dawn – Part One.”
Yuck – Sound heard in theaters everywhere when Jacob imprints on a newborn Renesmee.
Zero – Chances that, even after reading this, you’ll understand very much of “Breaking Dawn – Part 2.”
Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@review journal.com or 702-380-4567.
