37 reasons you can’t miss Ween this weekend

Gene Ween, from left, Dave Dreiwitz, and Dean Ween of Ween perform at Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival on Sunday, June 12, 2016, in Manchester, Tenn. (Photo by Amy Harris/Invision/AP)

Oddball rockers Ween take over Brooklyn Bowl at The Linq for three consecutive nights this weekend.

Though they tend to play 20 to 30 songs a night, you'll probably not hear the same tune twice during Ween's three-show stint at Brooklyn Bowl.

I don’t normally give life advice here, because if you’re reading this column every week, you’ve clearly got your act together.

Big time.

I’m going to make an exception this go-round, however, so you don’t make the grave mistake of missing a band that’s, like, a billion times better than the Beatles and almost twice as good as Slayer.

That’s right, Ween is coming to Vegas.

And for three nights no less.

To save you from embarrassment, shame and ridicule for generations to come, to keep you from getting shunned from your village, here are 37 reasons why you have to go see Ween when they take over Brooklyn Bowl from Friday through Sunday.

1. They’re the true descendents of the bent genius of Frank Zappa, leavening prodigious musical chops with a completely unhinged sense of humor that could make the corpse of Sam Kinison blush. They’ll Ween (play on words!) all the prudes out of your life, posthaste.

2. They pack jam-band-worthy musical escapades into concise, tightly honed songs that belie any noodling. Ween doesn’t need 15-minute instrumental odysseys to mush your brain. They can do that in a fourth of the time.

3. Even though they normally play 20 to 30 songs a night, you probably won’t hear them air the same tune twice over the course of the entire weekend.

4. They made one of the best honky-tonk records of the ’90s in “12 Golden Country Greats,” an album that pairs an all-time great breakup kiss-off (“Piss Up a Rope”) with perhaps the most tender ode to sticking together even when you’re a drunk who spends all the dog-food money on hooch (“Help Me Scrape the Mucus Off My Brain”).

5. They out-Air Supply Air Supply on Yacht Rock classics like “Stay Forever” and “It’s Gonna Be (Alright).”

6. Their punky “Stroker Ace” is humanity’s greatest tribute to Burt Reynolds’ cheese-tacular take on a total jackhole NASCAR driver in the film of the same name.

7. You’ll swear “Gabrielle” is a Thin Lizzy cover (it’s not), such is the extent that Ween channels the spirit of those Irish hard-rock greats on said tune.

8.Ween’s second record, “The Pod,” is one of the most supremely odd records of the ’90s, a synapse-scrambling collection of space-alien pop experimentation that makes Japanese avante-noise weirdos Boredoms sound like Abba by comparison. That Ween then landed a major label deal with 1992’s only slightly less out-there “Pure Guava” is still remarkable.

9. “The Blarney Stone” is the most awesomely profane Irish sea shanty ever laid down. You will be singing it for days and earning countless looks of disapproval as you do so.

10. Like Motorhead? So do these dudes, judging by “It’s Going to Be A Long Night,” a sonic and thematic ringer for those iconic metallers that revolves around — what else? — partying dangerously.

11. You’ll never hear a tune as equally demented and touching as “Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down).”

12.Real-life testimonial from an objective outsider (i.e. my wife) upon being treated to Ween for the first time for nine straight hours during a recent home-improvement project: “This is really, really inappropriate.”

13-37. I’ll be there, man.

Read more from Jason Bracelin at reviewjournal.com. Contact him at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com and follow @JasonBracelin on Twitter.