MTV’s strangely compelling ‘Hills’ the fakest in Fakerville

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After an exhaustive study, I’ve come to an explosive conclusion: Reality TV isn’t always real.

Yeah, I know. Water’s wet. The sky’s blue. Dane Cook’s not funny. Some truths are self-evident.

But, as its third season comes to an end, "The Hills" (10 p.m. today, MTV) has set the gold standard for fakery, even by the lax standards of the genre.

If the series were any more artificial, Hugh Hefner would be dating it.

At this point, you could present documentation that its star, Lauren Conrad, was engineered by MTV scientists using an assortment of stem cells from Nina Blackwood, Kari Wuhrer and every "Real World" cast member prior to Trishelle, and the most you’d get out of me would be: "Yeah? And?"

You could have incontrovertible proof that her roommate, Audrina, only exists in digital form, like the characters in "Beowulf"; co-worker Whitney is really a dude; bitter rival Heidi killed Kurt Cobain; and Heidi’s boyfriend, Spencer, bathes nightly in the blood of kittens, and maybe, maybe elicit a "What’s your point?" Especially since I’m pretty sure that last one’s true.

The thing is, I just don’t care that it’s fake. And it doesn’t seem like others do, either. It’s still MTV’s highest-rated series despite being dogged by more scandal than a congressional fact-finding mission to Lapdanceistan.

But what do you expect from a series that’s built on a lie? The show was introduced as following Lauren’s move from Laguna Beach to the Hollywood Hills, hence the name. The problem is, she’s presented as living in the Hillside Villas in West Hollywood, which is miles away from the Hills. But even that isn’t right: The girls’ actual apartment is at a neighboring complex.

Still, the past few months have been especially turbulent.

A fellow diner at New York’s Da Silvano told the New York Post that camera crews "took five takes of Lauren ordering dinner."

Spencer was caught shooting a goodbye scene with Heidi at the airport. After a few minutes and a quick change of shirts, he returned to film an emotional "reunion."

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton reported that when the cameras aren’t around, Heidi doesn’t even work at the event-planning company that employs her on the show.

And Adam DiVello, executive producer of "The Hills," told TV Guide that producers sent Spencer and Heidi to the trendy restaurant Ketchup because Lauren and her on-again, off-again crush Brody would be there, thus ensuring drama.

Then there are the fun head-scratchers you can spot just by watching the show.

Spencer and Brody are walking down the street when they decide to enter a random store, only "The Hills" cameras already are inside to film them walking through the door.

Whitney asks her trainer out, but when he shows up for the date — which is presented as being later that day — his close-cropped hair has grown at least 2 inches.

At an audition where Lauren is working as part of her Teen Vogue internship, a model is seen wearing a microphone battery pack for no apparent reason; seconds later, he asks her on a date. When they go out, Lauren’s wearing blood-red nail polish; when she gets home, no polish.

The model, Gavin Beasley, later said on VH1’s "Best Week Ever" Web site that "The Hills" producers told him to ask Lauren out, told him what to talk to her about, and that Brody, after insulting him on camera, told him, "Sorry about that, we’re just trying to make good television."

What’s sad is, despite all these contrivances and manipulations, they’re still not making good television.

Oh, "The Hills" has its moments. Like watching Audrina’s homeless-chic boyfriend — his name is Justin, for some reason he wanted to be called Bobby, but he ended up with the unfortunate, Will Ferrell-esque moniker Justin Bobby — during a nice evening out, respond to news of Audrina’s promotion with a bone-rattling belch.

But for the most part, it’s just a bunch of people you don’t know struggling mightily to turn everyday situations into what passes for drama.

I gave up on "Survivor" years ago, shortly after creator Mark Burnett admitted to using stand-ins and re-enactments. I can’t watch "Man vs. Wild" now that I know Bear Grylls, its survivalist host, was sleeping in hotels while being "stranded" in harsh locales. Even "Keeping Up with the Kardashians," that fluffy, nothing of a show, was ruined by a recent disclaimer that the episode contained re-creations.

Yet, somehow, against all odds, "The Hills" remains strangely hypnotizing. Compelling even. Even though I don’t believe a word of it.

Maybe there’s something to that stem cell idea after all.

Christopher Lawrence’s Life on the Couch column appears on Mondays. E-mail him at clawrence@reviewjournal.com.