Both partners have role in sexual courtship in marriage

I have a great marriage. But with one problem. My husband gets all … hurt when I don’t respond to his sexual flirtation. If he texts me something during the day, and I don’t respond, he’s hurt and pouts. If he leaves me a sexy voice mail and I don’t join in, same thing. I tell him that sometimes I’m just not in the mood and my head’s not there. I point out to him the other times I do respond is when I’m feeling sexy, too. I don’t know why he takes this so personally. Is there anything I can do to make him not get hurt just because I’m not in the mood? — D.L., Seattle

My first thought is … you’re in love with A Guy.

Yes, I can think of something you could do. Remind him that you are in charge of sex in the relationship. You are the Grand Duchess of Sexuality, and he is but a serf in your kingdom. In your benevolence, you have decreed that he is the only serf in your kingdom with whom you have sex. But still, you’re the Duchess. He’s the serf. He gets hurt and disappointed because he is forgetting his place in the pecking order.

As part of the duties of your office, you will let him know when it’s time to think you’re beautiful, when it’s time to think you’re hot, when it’s time to notice you, desire you, ache for you and flirt with you. Perhaps he could carry a pager of some kind that could notify him when you’re in the mood for sexual playfulness and solicitation. This way, if he should ever forget who is in charge, or perhaps in a weak moment be tempted by the idea that his desire for you should rightly be valued by you for itself — that is, not measured by whether your “head is there” — then it’s his fault. He would have only himself to blame.

Just trying to startle you, D.L., so I could make a point that you might never forget. Let me say all that more professionally now. For better or worse, your chosen columnist is a guy, too. So, I’m going to give you a guy’s perspective.

A man loves thinking his mate is beautiful. He values that thought and the feelings that thought evokes. A man loves to revel, specifically, in his desire, attraction, ache, longing, etc., for his mate. And chiefly, he revels in it by communicating it. To his mate, yes, but also to buddies, co-workers and just about anybody else who will listen.

Now, men tend to conclude from all this that their betrothed will value being desired as much as he values desiring her. And, the truth is, women do value it … sometimes. Tell the truth here: If he stopped demonstrating in words and deeds his mojo attraction to you, you’d hate that. It would make you insecure and anxious. You would worry. For the record, you should worry if that happens.

Of course women value their mates’ desire for them. But here’s the thing: When women don’t value it — aka when the Grand Duchess is not in the mood — they tend, in that moment, to forget they are in a partnership. They tend to respond unilaterally. They tend to respond with an unwitting, ironic arrogance, as if the whole exchange is solely and only about them! They simply, unilaterally, ignore the flirtation. And, if that doesn’t get the job done, wives and girlfriends will respond with exasperation, irritation, even outbursts of shame, scorn and contempt.

When a man admires aloud his wife’s butt in a particular pair of jeans, and she is irritated by his expression of desire, trust me when I say that the man’s first unspoken thoughts will include, “Would you prefer I admire someone else’s butt in another pair of jeans?”

Here’s my real advice to you, D.L. …

1. Never forget how much your husband values his desire for you, and never forget how much he values you valuing his desire for you.

2. You’re not in charge of sex. Neither is your husband.

3. Don’t ignore or scorn your man’s solicitations. Even if you’re not in the mood, how hard is it to text back, “Thank you, sweetie.” Or, “Mmm ….” And, when you are in the mood, you can text back something randy and enticing. Guys love that.

I’m saying that “not in the mood” is no excuse for you to abandon your share of the responsibility to nurture a thriving sexual courtship across the lifetime of a marriage.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.