Haters gonna hate: How to combat Golden Knights Grinches
There’s one in every crowd: the person who refuses to feel good about the National Hockey League’s feel-good story of the decade.
Think of them as the Golden Grinches.
Maybe they just can’t get behind the Knights. Maybe they don’t like hockey in general. Maybe you need to replace that friend.
Until you do, though, here’s a handbook for dealing with the various complaints:
“What do Golden Knights have to do with Vegas?”
Is Pittsburgh a haven for pirates? Is Toronto overrun by velociraptors? The Knights are a reference to owner Bill Foley’s alma mater, the United States Military Academy, whose teams are known as the Black Knights. Other possible names included the Silver Knights and Desert Knights.
“But seriously, Golden Knights?”
You think Tim Tebow wouldn’t leap at the chance to be a member of a team called the Golden Knights? The Heisman Trophy winner is currently playing baseball for the Binghamton Rumble Ponies.
“I hate that it’s the Vegas Golden Knights. The city’s name is Las Vegas.”
You buy the team, you can say it’s from wherever you darn well choose. Just ask Arte Moreno, who once changed the name of his franchise to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.
“What’s the deal with that mascot?”
Granted, if the Golden Knights were determined to have a reptile mascot, a dragon would have made far more sense. Instead, we have Chance, a Gila monster.
“I’ve never seen a Gila monster anywhere near here.”
According to the Nevada Department of Wildlife website, Gila monsters are native to the southern tip of Nevada, but they spend more than 99 percent of their lives underground.
“The logo isn’t technically a knight’s helmet. It’s closer to a Spartan’s helmet, or even Magneto’s helmet.”
Nerd.
“I can’t follow the puck.”
From the 1996 NHL All-Star Game through the end of the following season, Fox outfitted pucks with sensors that emitted a peculiar blue glow on television. Slap shots looked like a blast from Iron Man’s palm. It was exponentially worse than occasionally losing track of the puck.
“The tickets are too expensive.”
No comment.
“There’s too much fighting.”
It is a little weird that you can punch your opponent in the face, repeatedly, and only have to sit and think about your actions for five minutes like a misbehaving toddler. But fighting has been a part of hockey since the 1800s, it was first regulated by the NHL in 1922, and it’s nearly as integral to the sport as the Zamboni.
“There’s not enough fighting.”
Are you familiar with the UFC? Or the effects of multiple concussions?
“The only hockey I’ve ever seen was in ‘The Mighty Ducks,’ and I hated that movie.”
Plenty of people hated that movie. Give “Slap Shot” a try. Paul Newman. The Hanson brothers. You’ll love it.
“You mean those ‘MMMBop’ kids?”
Different Hanson brothers.
“Don Rickles once called me a hockey puck.”
It’s an honor. Get over it.
“The games haven’t been the same since the ice crew got rid of those skimpy Xena outfits.”
Settle down, Mr. Weinstein.
“Two halftimes? That’s ridiculous.”
Two halftimes would be ridiculous. It would be a wholetime. Fortunately, they’re called intermissions. And they offer twice as many chances to buy beer.
“I don’t understand goalie interference.”
No one does.
“How good can they be when their best player, Marc-Andre Fleury, is nicknamed Flower.”
Those are fightin’ words, ya hockey puck!
Contact Christopher Lawrence at clawrence@reviewjournal.com or 702-380-4567. Follow @life_onthecouch on Twitter.
