Negotiate what role past partners play in the present
Is it me? Or am I being too sensitive? My boyfriend of two years is constantly bringing up his exploits from 30 years ago. He says his ex-wives didn’t get offended as I do. I tell him I find it disrespectful, and then he wonders why I get mad. I tell him if they didn’t mind him telling them these things then maybe he should go back to them. He is going to be 60 and is constantly telling me things that happened 30 years ago. I keep telling him, if it didn’t happen in the last two years then I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t tell him of my past partners. I tell him I have more respect for myself as a woman and a person than to put up with it. I am trying to be patient with him, but it is running thin. He also has another problem: In his lifetime he has been hurt both financially from his ex and sexually from an uncle. I am trying to be patient with this also. I tell him he is the only one who can control his life, and he is letting what happened to him in his past control his future. He is a hurt man, but only he can fix it. When he thinks about his past, it eats away at him and then he starts drinking. Then I am the one who takes the verbal abuse, which the next day he doesn’t even remember telling me.
— D.G., Las Vegas
By exploits, may I rightly assume you mean stories of previous lovers?
Our modern world is so very much different from life as recent as 75 years ago. It is a world of mobility-as-necessity. A world of "roots" both more shallow and more often transient. It is a world where it takes longer to grow up, though this message is lost on our biology, which appears to be on a trajectory of jump-starting pubescence earlier and earlier. Now, add to this the unprecedented rates of divorce and the widespread discarding of rigid social mores regarding sexuality. Conclusion? It’s uncommon to find a life partner who does not bring a sexual history in tow.
So, modern couples must individually negotiate what is to become of these stories from the past. What works for this relationship? What adds to intimacy? What impedes intimacy? What honors and nurtures the primacy of the committed relationship? There are lots of models from which a couple might choose.
You can decide never to talk about it. To pretend, as it were, that no such history exists. If former lovers and sexual experiences cross your mind, you keep these thoughts to yourself. There are two potential negatives to this model, and both loom large. First, it takes a lot of mental energy to maintain this pretense. Second, it tends to foster shame.
You can decide to acknowledge your partner’s history, perhaps not with specifics but in broad terms. As relationships move from dating to serious courtship and the consideration of commitment and permanence, most couples will have The Conversation: "Yeah, I went on a bit of a tear there in college," or, "My number is 11 and I’m not proud of six of them," etc. Again, these exchanges can be in broad terms, while some couples feel the need to delineate a chronology of partners. Most people put a high premium especially on pre-emptive knowledge about former lovers who remain in the partner’s social circles.
You can decide to value your partner’s past, even the parts that were reckless or untoward. Even the latter shaped your partner into readiness to meet you.
And, believe it or not, some couples actually incorporate detailed stories from the past as part of their present-day erotic fun. Really.
Healthy couples build a model together. It’s not OK for one partner to pick a comfort level unilaterally and simply expect the other to "get over him/herself."
Negotiating how to manage stories of our sexual history is not dissimilar to how thriving couples negotiate The Flirting Rules, or The Other Attractive People Rules. We proceed in a way that fosters the bond, acknowledges primacy and demonstrates unwavering respect. We don’t flaunt our thoughts, feelings and fantasies.
Your description of your boyfriend managing psycho-emotional wounds from the past by drinking and verbally abusing you is an entirely different matter. And that, D.G., is a first-class, Grade A, über-red flag. Ever more serious. I encourage you not to ignore it.
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.