Casual sex relationships a part of modern culture
I’m a 44-year-old Las Vegas woman. I was married once for 12 years, divorced now this past six years. Dated a little, but nothing really had wheels. It’s been so long since I’ve been in love that it’s hard to remember what it’s like. I’m lonely and bored. I have a couple of girlfriends in similar situations who seem to have no problem with casual sex. If they are not in a relationship and some attractive man crosses their path, they have sex if they feel like it. No strings attached. I’m not saying I think you necessarily have to be married for sex to be OK, but I find myself jealous of (my girlfriends’) freedom but still unsure whether I could be OK with casual sex. Is there anything wrong with having a few flings while you’re waiting for Mr. Right? I feel like life is passing me by. — B.T., Las Vegas
I get this question several times each year. My first thought is always the same: This is the world we now live in. Meaning, we no longer live in a world with strong, collective mores regarding strict rules for the "right and wrong" regarding the various contexts for sex. This "scattering" of the tribe, morally speaking, occurred in tandem with a crisis of the marriage symbol. " ‘Til death do us part" has morphed into "Let’s give this a try and see how it works out." This leaves a ton of middle-aged, single adults making this up as they each go along.
Yet, the longings of the human heart — not to mention the longings of our bodies and instincts — are still very much universal. These longings are good things. We are created for relationship. We are, at our very core, sexual beings. So, when I get this question, I notice that it’s not merely a question but a lamentation. You have lots of company on this one, B.T. Even people whose ideal remains the joy of great sex contained in the covenant of great marriage find themselves wondering "How long ?" (No pun intended.)
So, sometimes we bide our time open to or even intentionally seeking casual sex. Casual sex means sex occurring in some construct of relationship, perhaps a dating relationship, but not even that necessarily. It includes the erstwhile "friends with benefits."
The relationship contains regard, chemistry, some filial sense of trust. You know your partner "has your back." The relationship contains affection, perhaps great affection, sometimes even love, but not in-love-ed-ness, nor any necessary intention of falling in love. The partners might already know that it is unlikely for them ever to fall in love, and they state this clearly and "up front."
Casual sex might or might not be exclusive. But when it is exclusive, it often is more about the two people not wanting complications or wanting to be safe from disease, not because they are feeling jealous or possessive or protective of deeper meaning.
One of the risks of casual sex is sometimes one partner falls in love. Ouch. That is difficult. Sex is gestalt. It cranks you open. And you don’t always get to decide when your heart spontaneously opens to another human being. So casual sex comes with this warning label:
Warning! You might someday look across a pillow and find yourself head over heels in love with someone who is not in love with you, and that will hurt, and you will likely lose your friend.
And sometimes casual sex can unfold the happy surprise that both people fall in love. Sometimes casual sex is the serendipitous road to something deeper, even if both parties could’ve sworn they were not looking for it.
So, think of yourself as walking on a long, tiring journey. You find yourself in front of a McDonald’s. You’re hungry. Yet, you see a sign out front that says, "Five-star French restaurant ahead," but it doesn’t say how far ahead. So, you have to ask yourself, "How hungry am I?" Go in and get a Big Mac if you want. It’s fast, easy and quite tasty. But go in with every intention. With your head held high and your eyes wide open. Take radical responsibility for going in there. Surrender all rights to ever be mad or disappointed in McDonald’s for not being a five-star French restaurant. Because that is ridiculous, not to mention hypocritical.
Or, take a breath and decide you’re not as hungry as you thought. And keep walking.
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.