Nancy Ryan: Husband’s foray into baking wasn’t easy on the hips

Today during Robin Leach’s absence on his annual Italian family vacation, we have two guest columnists involved in the marketing of sex in Las Vegas: our favorite beauty and confirmed tilt-the-tables humorist Maren Wade, who stars in 50 SHADES! THE PARODY at Windows Showroom in Bally’s, and comedienne Nancy Ryan, who stars in X BURLESQUE and X COMEDY at the Flamingo. Nancy’s husband, John Bizarre, co-stars with her in X COMEDY and also appears in X COUNTRY at Harrah’s.

When you’re in the sex show business in Las Vegas, thankfully there are other subjects for discussion on the menu. Here is Nancy on her long-running love affair with risque comedy:

By Nancy Ryan

When I moved to Las Vegas 10 years ago, I was what they call a “perfect size 6.” Then I fell in love with a man who shared my passion for cooking. He moved in with me, and every night our kitchen was like eating in a five-star restaurant.

Monday was Thai, Tuesday was Italian and so on. Dogs from around the valley would gather on our doorstep begging for scraps. Alas, there were no scraps. We ate them.

One sunny weekend morning, my beloved announced that he was interested in attending (the now-defunct) Le Cordon Bleu cooking school. He wanted to acquire skills as a baker should the comedy thing not work out.

If it doesn’t work out? He’s been a headlining comedian for nearly three decades — a constant in the industry. But OK, who am I to quash his plans? So he enrolled in the patisserie program.

During the school’s orientation, the “Head Master Guy” approached me and asked if I had a gym membership. After saying “no,” he quickly suggested that I get one because most spouses gain “a lot of weight” during the course of the student’s schooling.

I didn’t listen. Why would I? I’m fine. Maybe 5 pounds here and there fluctuating, but not much more. How absurd! How insulting! How dare you, Head Master Guy!

John was happy with the school. The first week, he learned how to make chocolate and brought home massive, gooey samples of his work. I was supportive in my response and tried a couple. Yum, maybe a couple more. Well, into his fourth week of school, he learned how to make French pastries and danish.

Glancing at my kitchen counter, I saw industrial-sized baking sheets filled with these delectable samples of deliciousness. I remember thinking how good these pastries would be with my morning coffee. But first, I’ll have one for dessert after tonight’s dinner. Yum, maybe a couple more. Ohhh, a new season of HOUSE OF CARDS? Let’s just finish the tray!

Every day, there were cookies and tortes and cream puffs, oh my! I began putting on my jeans while laying on the bed just so I could zip them. Soon, I was thanking the universe for bringing yoga pants into fashion.

I think my favorite moment was during his sixth month at school. One day, I heard his car pull into the garage and him yelling to help him open the door. When I did, I saw him leaning against the car balancing a five-tier wedding cake. Sure, why not? Bring it in. My hands and feet are numb. I might be diabetic. I’ve gone up four dress sizes. I’ll just eat the top tier.

Finally, he graduated. And, just as I suspected, he never stopped doing standup, and he never got a job as a baker. The only thing that came true was the weight-gain prediction from Head Master Guy and my love for a stretchy waistband.

Today, we enjoy each other’s company as we perform comedy side-by-side at the Flamingo. The kitchen counters are free of goodies, the ovens have cooled, and the clothes have been removed from the treadmill. And I’ve learned how to make a mean kale salad.

Be sure to check out our other guest columnist today, Maren Wade from 50 SHADES! THE PARODY at Bally’s. Check back Wednesday for two more guest columns as Robin explores the olive groves of the Puglia region of Italy before heading onto Sicily.