Maren Wade: 10 things to do at a (very long) Las Vegas stoplight

Today during Robin Leach’s absence on his annual Italian family vacation, we have two guest columnists involved in the marketing of sex in Las Vegas: our favorite beauty and confirmed tilt-the-tables humorist Maren Wade, who stars in 50 SHADES! THE PARODY at Windows Showroom in Bally’s, and comedienne Nancy Ryan, who stars in X BURLESQUE and X COMEDY at the Flamingo. Nancy’s husband, John Bizarre, co-stars with her in X COMEDY and also appears in X COUNTRY at Harrah’s.

When you’re in the sex show business in Las Vegas, thankfully there are other subjects for discussion on the menu. Here is Maren with 10 important things to do while waiting for what sometimes seems like hours at a Las Vegas stoplight.

By Maren Wade

While Maren Wade takes her traditional summer vacation under the Tuscan sun in Italy, many of our Strip personalities have stepped forward in her absence to … OK, I have a confession to make. I’m not in Italy. But does it count that I’m near The Venetian?

Anyway, even if you don’t have time for a vacation, once in a while we should all stop to smell the roses and really savor what’s important in life. Many a time I’ve asked myself, “What is the secret to success?” Some say, “It’s when preparation meets opportunity.”

While driving to work, I got to thinking about this and … how long the stoplights are here in Las Vegas! If you’ve been so lucky as to experience a Las Vegas stoplight, you know that suddenly your schedule has freed up with plenty of time to prepare for whatever opportunities might lie ahead.

So what are you waiting for? Success is right around the corner, and I’ve compiled a Top 10 list of things to do at a Las Vegas stoplight to help get you there!

10. Waiting at a light can work up quite an appetite. Try putting that Domino’s 30-minute guarantee to the test. If they don’t make it in time, and your pizza comes cold, just set it on your hood for a few minutes to warm it up.

9. Catch up with the people you love. Perhaps you can call your grandmother. If you’re lucky, she might still be alive by the end of the call. I’m very fortunate mine still is.

8. If it’s one of those quick traffic lights, you can stop into a casino and catch a show on the Strip. I hear 50 SHADES! THE PARODY at Bally’s is hysterical, and it’s only 69 minutes long. You can get back to your car with plenty of time to spare.

7. If you happen to be in a lengthy fight with a friend or spouse while driving, you can assert some self-control, “Look, this is gonna take a while. Why don’t we wait until the next traffic light to hash this all out?”

6. Ever think of writing your memoir? Well, what are you waiting for? Carpe diem! What better time to do that then at the corner of Las Vegas Boulevard and Tropicana?

5. Get to know your traffic neighbors. Some people form strong community bonds at a traffic light. It’s like a block party!

4. You could catch up on some of those classics you’ve been meaning to read. Perhaps “War and Peace” or The Encyclopedia Britannica. When you finally arrive one day at your destination, people will be astonished at how much smarter you are than they remember.

3. Which brings me to No. 3. Come to think of it, I don’t have a No. 3, which brings me to No. 2.

2. Take an online study course, like that traffic school the court ordered you to take the last time you ran that red light.

1. There is so much you can accomplish, and I almost forgot to tell you the most important … oh, wait, the light turned green! Gotta go.

Be sure to check our other guest columnist today, comedienne Nancy Ryan, who handles the laughter during the topless dance routines in X BURLESQUE at the Flamingo. Nancy also stars in X COMEDY, where her husband, John Bizarre, is a co-star. John also has a comedy gig during the topless dance routines of X COUNTRY at Harrah’s.