John Cleese, with Eric Idle at The Venetian this weekend, issues thoughts on U.S. election

John, well-known for being the Minister of Silly Walks and Sir Lancelot of Camelot on “And Now for Something Completely Different,” lived for several months on Jumby Bay off the coast of Antigua where I had a home for 12 years. He also played the unfortunate innkeeper Basil Fawlty on “Fawlty Towers.”

His message:

To the citizens of the USA: In light of your failure to elect a competent president and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Hon Theresa May, MP for the 97.8 percent of you who have, until now, been unaware that there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminum” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter “u” will be reinstated in words such as “favour” “colour” and “neighbor.”

Likewise you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters. Using the same 27 words interspersed with “you know” and “like” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.”

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account the reinstated letter “u.” You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American football is not a very good game. No one else plays American football. You should instead play proper football.

In time, those of you brave enough will be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American football but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like Nancies. Stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host events called the World Series for a game that is not played outside America.

Instead of baseball, you’ll be allowed to play a girls’ game, rounders, which is baseball without fancy team stripes, oversized gloves, collector cards and hot dogs. You’ll no longer be allowed to own or carry guns or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Since you’re not sensible enough to handle dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

July 4 is no longer a public holiday. Nov. 2 will be a new national holiday called Indecisive Day. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French. They’re Belgian, though 97.8 percent of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Potato chips ate properly are called crisps. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat. The cold, tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer.

The United Kingdom will harmonise petrol prices (or gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA adopting U.K. petrol prices (roughly $6 per U.S. gallon; get used to it).

Learn to resolve issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need so many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without lawsuits and therapists, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Tax collectors from her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776.

* * *

And that explains why the “Monty Python” duo’s shows Friday and Saturday at The Venetian are near sellouts. It’s British humour at its best!