Pull up a cushion and grab some chips, here come the Couchies
As the TV season comes to an end Wednesday with the least anticipated “American Idol” finale yet — one that denies America the Sanjaya-Antonella showdown it so richly deserves — it’s time to take a look back.
Welcome to the Couchies, the awards that honor categories not recognized by the Emmys, which would probably just screw up the results anyway.
It’s also the only awards show where Isaiah Washington is guaranteed not to put his small-minded foot in his homophobic mouth.
So before the band plays me off the stage, this year’s Couchies go to:
Best Use of Southern Nevada: “Entourage”
Sin City rarely has looked more attractive than during Vince and the gang’s male bonding at the Hard Rock Hotel. The wall-to-wall strippers didn’t hurt.
Worst Use of Southern Nevada: “Heroes”
A surprising amount of the series was set here, but between the shot of Treasure Island’s old pirate-themed sign and the trek to Primm — which had a thriving downtown, an interstate bus terminal and its own police force — it just didn’t feel like here.
Best Show Not Enough People Watched: “Friday Night Lights”
Buy the DVD later this summer. Take the phone off the hook. Soak in as much Dillon, Texas, as you can before the much-deserved second season kicks off. You’ll thank me later.
Best Show Too Many People Watched: “Lost”
At its peak, the series attracted more than 20 million viewers; now roughly 12 million tune in. ABC is panicked, but the ratings are just settling in to where they should have been all along. They call them cult shows for a reason.
Worst Trend: Anna Nicole Smith coverage
This “story” is months past its expiration date. Actual vultures don’t feed off a corpse for this long.
Guiltiest Pleasure: “Dateline’s To Catch a Predator”
If there’s anything more compelling than watching a 40-year-old teacher, with a windowless van full of beer and sex toys, tell Chris Hansen that he came to visit what he thought was a 12-year-old boy “just to talk,” I’ve yet to see it.
Creepiest Moment Not on “Dateline’s To Catch a Predator”: “House”
Only Dr. House, while researching a case of accelerated hormones, could get a belly laugh out of asking a random, soon-to-be-terrified 8-year-old girl “Do you have hair in your special place?”
Best Villain: “The Hills’ ” Spencer
His relationship with girlfriend Heidi was a frantic chase through a burning house at knifepoint away from being a Lifetime movie.
Best Defense of TV: “30 Rock’s” Kenneth the page
“Do you know why I put up with this ‘pitiful job,’ Mr. Donaghy? Why I fetch these folks’ lunches and clean up their barfs? Because they make television. And more than jazz or musical theater or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form.”
Best Five Minutes: “How I Met Your Mother”
From the revelation that Robin was a teenage pop star in Canada — complete with 1980s-worthy, Debbie Gibson-style “Let’s Go to the Mall” video — to the brutal — and brutally funny — culmination of Marshall and Barney’s “slap bet,” no series packed more joy into so little time.
Biggest Waste of Time: The rash of serialized shows
“Smith.” “Kidnapped.” “Vanished.” “The Nine.” “Day Break.” “Six Degrees.” “Runaway.” “The Knights of Prosperity.” Each of them promised a story that would unfold a little each week. None of them got close to a resolution.
Fastest Shark Jump Ever: “Ugly Betty”
In just its 13th episode, the once-promising soap revealed the mystery woman scheming to take over Mode magazine wasn’t the presumed dead former editor but Daniel’s brother, Alex, who faked his death to have a sex change and come back in the form of Rebecca Romijn. It’s been downhill ever since.
Most Laughs You’ll Regret in the Morning: “Family Guy”
The animated hit makes fun of sodomy, pedophilia, bestiality, rape victims, the handicapped, postpartum depression, the Sept. 11 attacks, and every ethnic and religious group under the sun. You don’t want to laugh, it just sort of happens.
Worst Tap Dancing: “24”
The series spent more time torturing syntax than Jack Bauer did torturing suspects by trying to sidestep its terrorist’s nationality. It’s tough to get excited about lines like “The ambassador from Abu Fayed’s home country will see you now.”
Best Last Gasp: “The O.C.”
In the rapidly cooling teen drama’s next-to-last episode, Seth donated blood to an injured Ryan, who briefly acted like his nerdy adoptive brother. “Ah, it’s too bad,” Seth said when he learned Ryan was joking. “Because if we could have turned this into a body-swap comedy, we could have squeezed another year or two out of this.”
Christopher Lawrence’s Life on the Couch column appears on Mondays. E-mail him at clawrence@reviewjournal.com.
CHRISTOPHER LAWRENCELIFE ON THE COUCH
