Passive tolerance is wrong way to address abuse
My interest was piqued by the question from D.G., Las Vegas, the last part regarding “managing psycho-emotional wounds from the past by drinking and verbally abusing you.” I was looking forward to an answer on this problem, since I also share it. The only difference is that I am married, so the red flag response does not apply. If I were single, I would run like crazy, but I am stuck in this cycle because I don’t believe in divorce. I have chosen to “flee” to my office upstairs, rather than listen to his verbal abuse, since it is nightly. I have tried to discuss this with him when he is sober, but the answer is always, “Oh, you can’t pay attention to anything I say at night” (which is when he is drinking), and then refuses to discuss it further.
I would be interested in hearing your “take” on this.
— J.W., Las Vegas
You say you don’t believe in divorce. I don’t, either. I also don’t believe in war. Or abortion. Or assisted suicide.
Yet, I can conceive of moral scenarios in which any of these four things might become unavoidable. Necessary. In some cases, immoral not to do. I can imagine scenarios wherein not to do these things could mean participating in evil. Like everyone, I have a hierarchy of values. Sitting atop the hierarchy is the duty not to participate in evil.
I think of these things as the Big Four of moral dilemmas, for they are true dilemmas. Meaning, there are scenarios in which we cannot avoid choosing them, we must choose them, it would be morally derelict not to choose them yet, having chosen them, it is equally appropriate to repent those choices. This is not the contradiction it seems; rather, a paradox to end all paradox.
I repeat now what I have said before in this space: Among the attributes you might seek in a soul mate, always insist upon falling in love with someone who has the strength to leave you! I’m not kidding. It’s not a joke. Never negotiate this.
Why? Because this strength speaks to self-respect, which in turn speaks of healthy boundaries. This strength is the only “petri dish” in which healthy love can be healthy. If my life partner has the strength to leave me, then it is precisely this strength that brings meaning to the fact that she stays.
Now, J.W., read back through what I’ve written so far, and notice that not once did I tell you to leave your husband. Or to stay. What I’m doing is challenging the way you have constructed your predicament. To wit: “Red flags” apply only prior to marriage, only single people can or should “run like crazy,” that “not believing in divorce” necessarily precludes the option of divorcing or its sometimes necessity.
See, none of those things is true.
J.W., would you tolerate your husband having a mistress? Because he has one. At least the one I know about. She’s a chemical mistress. Your husband makes love to her every night. Addiction/compulsion is a marital infidelity. Period. The end. I’m right about this. If you disagree, you’re incorrect.
J.W., would you tolerate your husband’s domestic violence? Because what your husband is doing to you is violence. It’s just not a physical violence. Thus far, anyway. Remember the childhood rhyme, opined to us by well-meaning adults: “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” This is my front-running nominee for Childhood Teachings That Aren’t True. Violent words do violence. Verbal abuse is abusive. Words are never nothing. Words are power.
J.W., during your courtship, did you and your husband agree that he was The Decider regarding what would be talked about, and when? If not, then how did he get to be The Decider? When our life partner says, “I don’t want to talk about this,” the correct response is “Tough noogies, ’cause we’re gonna talk about it!” And business-as-usual comes to a screeching halt until you do talk.
Married people talk. It’s in the fine print on the contract. Don’t get married if you prefer to reserve for yourself the right not to talk.
My take on this? Your husband is in big trouble. He needs your strength. The strength of your self-respect. Your passivity and acquiescence will only aid and abet his self-destruction.
And some would argue that is a participation in evil.
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.
